


Pucker Up

by speccygeekgrrl



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Good Place (TV), The Venture Bros
Genre: 31 kiss prompts and I'm going to do all of them, Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Episode: s7e10 The Saphrax Protocol, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, God Complex, Height Differences, Kissing, M/M, Mistletoe, Multi, Necrophilia, Post-Episode: s11e14 At the Earth's Core, Season 12 spoilers, Secret Relationship, Truth or Dare, Violet Wand, bot battle, chocolate extortion, punt bunnies, smoochtober, tags and pairings added as I go along
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-07-17 13:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 27,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16096931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: Kisses for everyone! 31 kisses, in fact.





	1. 1: a kiss on the hand (Kinga/Max)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing the [Smoochtober 31 Kisses challenge](https://pillowfortmedia.s3.amazonaws.com/posts/4eb76be4699c_Dnzf1fDX0AAePkW.jpg), so I'll be posting each ficlet here as I write it. 31 sweet little smooches!

"Stop  _moving_ ," Kinga snapped, turning off the flame of her blowtorch and shoving up her goggles so Max could get the full force of her glare. "It's like you're  _trying_  to become second bananas foster."

"Aw, you must think I'm sweet," he said cheerfully. "I'm not trying to get flambed, but I am a little shaky. Can we take a lunch break?"

"No! No food until we  _accomplish_  something."

"We've been doing this for two and a half hours! Haven't we accomplished enough?"

"Name one thing we've accomplished." Max looked down at the workbench littered with mishaps and failures and not a single successfully welded joint for the Kingachrome containment unit, and then back up at Kinga with a shrug. "Nothing has worked. We keep going until something works."

"Or until I get injured," Max muttered. "Which seems more likely at this point."

"Are you going to be a big baby about it?"

"You mean, am I going to cry if you direct a 2400 degree flame over my hands? Uh, yeah, I think I am."

"Then you'd better hold still."

"How about you let  _me_  take the blowtorch? Since you're not having much success with it."

"You just said your hands are shaky. Hard pass."

"Come on, Kinga, please let's just put it down for an hour and come back to it once we figure out what we're doing wrong. Because we're clearly doing something completely wrong."

"Oh,  _fine_. I don't want to listen to you whine about it while we're working." Kinga set the blowtorch down and removed her goggles entirely, then wiped at her sweaty forehead with the back of one hand. "This sucks. Remind me why I can't just make someone else do it?"

"I mean, I literally just offered to take over, so I guess the reason is your own stubbornness." Max peeled off the heavy-duty welding gloves and tossed them on top of a pile of badly welded pieces of metal. "You know this isn't your strong suit."

"Shut up, I love working with fire."

"How much you like it has no bearing on whether you're good at it," he pointed out, and her glare turned up to full heat, making him recoil and then quickly walk away from the workbench. "Maybe you're just having an off day! That's always a possibility. Are we going to the cafeteria or do you want me to bring back something for you?"

"Oh... I'll go with you," she sighed. "I have to get out of this lab or I'm going to start burning things on purpose."

"Which is why I tried to commandeer the blowtorch," he said dryly. "Come on, it's taco Tuesday."

"You know better than to eat Gizmonic cafeteria tacos."

"Do I?"

"Well, you should, after what happened last month."

"In their defense, cloned beef tastes the same as normal beef." Kinga rolled her eyes and picked up the last thing she'd sucked at welding, then dropped it with a yelp. "You okay?"

"Cut myself," she said, scrutinizing the gash on her finger with a sneer. "I really am bad at this, aren't I?"

"Well, you're not good at it," he said as diplomatically as he could as he pulled the first aid kit out of the cupboard. "Come here." He'd been cleaning up her minor (and not so minor) injuries for their entire lives, so practiced that he barely thought about the process: an alcohol wipe to clean up the blood and disinfect, a dab of antibiotic ointment, and a band-aid, this time a bright blue Elmo bandage. 

"Sesame Street? Really?" she sneered as he secured the bandage around her finger.

"Oh,  _now_  you're too old for a Sesame Street band-aid?"

"I'm not a kid any more."

"Maybe not, but you still get a kiss to make it all better," he said, lifting her hand and pressing his lips to the bandaged spot. She rolled her eyes again, but didn't snatch her hand away, instead brushing her fingers over his cheek before turning away from him.

"Come on. The faster we eat something, the faster we can get back to work."

"If you say so," he said, following her through the door of their lab.


	2. 2: blowing a kiss (gen)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crow has shitty opinions and Gypsum will not stand to hear her entire gender maligned by somebot who thinks Optimus Prime is the greatest mechanical being in existence. The Mads take advantage of the bot fight to place some bets. Jonah refuses to participate in this debasement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty gen and the blown kiss is an afterthought, but WHATEVER, no one said this had to be 31 days of schmoop.

"...and that's why it doesn't matter how many femme fatales you can pack into one action movie, they're all automatically overruled by one Transformer," Crow finished his eight minute rant about action movies with a flourish of his spindly arms. Jonah sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"That's sexist," Gypsum said. "And wrong. Transformers objectively suck despite their mechanical nature."

"Whoa!" Tom said. "Did you just blaspheme the name of Optimus Prime?"

"Not specifically, but I definitely can if it'll make you feel bad," Gypsum said.

"Hang on a second," Jonah said, lifting both hands to hold the big purple bot and the scrappy little red bot apart. "I thought we agreed to leave religion out of it."

"Maybe  _you_  did," Tom said. "I don't remember making that agreement."

"I'm just sick of these wannabe macho bots acting like Robot Jesus is the end-all be-all of mechanical existence," Gypsum said. "I could beat both these nerds up without even a hiccup in life support on the SOL and their precious Optimus Prime won't save them."

"Wow, aggressive much?" Crow asked. "Is it that compiling time of the month for you?"

"Oh, you are going  _down_ ," Gypsum growled, and Jonah had to step between her and Crow to prevent her from knocking Crow over.

"Hey, no, this is not how we resolve our differences," Jonah said. "Crow, apologize. That was sexist and shitty."

"I'll apologize if she'll admit that Transformers are badass and she's just jealous because she doesn't have a real body," Crow said, and Gypsum howled with rage and knocked Jonah over on her way to barrel into Crow and throw him across the bridge in a clatter of molybdenum limbs that drowned out Jonah's alarmed yelp as he hit the floor.

" _Gypsum!_  Stop that!" By the time Jonah got back to his feet, Crow's entire head was in Gypsum's mouth, and he was almost too distracted by the bot fight to notice that the light was blinking to indicate an incoming call from Moon 13--  _almost_. "Guys, not in front of the Mads," he begged, and Gypsum huffed and spat Crow out before Jonah smacked the button and put on a cheerful face. "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber, what's the haps?"

"I just wanted to tell you to back off and let them fight," Kinga said. Next to her, Max was munching from a tub of popcorn. "I've got two boxes of snack cakes and a bottle of whiskey riding on Gypsum."

"Who'd you bet on?" Jonah asked Max.

"The loser, from the way things are going. Come on, Crow, I thought you wouldn't be that easy to dominate." Crow clicked his beak irritably as he got up from the floor on shaky legs. 

"You'd know from easy to dominate," he muttered, and Max shrugged good-naturedly.

"Eh, I knew you were a long shot. You could at least try to not suck."

"No one bet on me?" Tom asked, distraught, and Jonah wrapped an arm around the little red bot.

"You might just wanna stay out of this one, buddy."

"C'mon, Heston. Back Servo! Bot battle royale! Whaddaya got to throw in?" Kinga seemed a little too into the thought of an all-bot rumble for Jonah's taste. 

"I'm not going to bet on my friends fighting!"

"You sure? Cause Max bet some books and I'm sure you'd enjoy more reading material up there..."

"You're not going to entice me into something i know is objectively wrong," Jonah said, and Kinga grinned and blew him a kiss.

"Gosh, those misguided morals are just downright adorable. Okay, nerd, take a step back and let the robots fight, or I'm going to turn off your oxygen."

"No! This is bad and I won't stand for it!"

" _Ugh_ ," Kinga sighed. "You won't be standing when I turn the oxygen down to a cool five percent of the mix. If you want to hug Servo like a security blanket you can, but I want you to put your back to the wall or you'll hit the floor."

"You know, I can kind of see where Gypsum was coming from," Crow said, keeping himself on Jonah's opposite side and glancing past him at the angry purple bot. "I mean, Optimus Prime is still better..."

"Square up, dork," Gypsum growled. "Face me like a man."

"I feel like this would be a good time to mention that I've been thinking about changing my pronouns to gender neutral ones," Crow said.

"Really?" Jonah asked, brows shooting up.

"Oh, yeah, totally! Men are just so toxic. I don't want to be associated with that. They/them, please."

" _Hey_ ," Jonah and Max chorused, and Kinga snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Not all men, yadda yadda, you're both cream puffs, whatever. Gypsum,  _get them_." Gypsum lunged and Crow shrieked and bolted down the hallway. "Faster, pussycat! Kill! Kill!"

"I don't know what's happening any more but I think I'm scared," Tom said.

"You and me both, pal," Jonah said, craning his head to look down the hallway just in time to see Gypsum tackle Crow to the floor in the laundry room. "I think Kinga's winning this bet, though."

"Shocker," Max muttered as Kinga laughed maniacally. "Uh, are we still sending him the movie, or...?"

"Later," Kinga said. "Cambot, get in there, I want a better view of this smackdown." Crow's yelling subsided into a muffled whimpering as Cambot followed them only to find Gypsum chewing on Crow's head again.

"Say uncle," she mumbled around Crow's net.

"Uncle! Auntie! Grandpa Joe!  _I surrender_!" Kinga applauded as Gypsum let go of Crow.

"That's my girl! Oh, Gypsum, you're a doll. That was amazing."

"You really think so?" Gypsum asked, wiggling from side to side in a distinctly self-satisfied manner.

"Oh, yeah. I knew you'd kick his ass."

" _Their_  ass," Crow said sulkily.

"Whatever, nerd. Your ass, regardless of pronoun, was just handed to you," Kinga said. "Winner and reigning champion of the Satellite of Love:  _Gypsum_! Yeah girl!"

"Thank you, thank you," Gypsum said, taking a bow over the still-prone form of the lanky gold bot whose ass she'd just kicked. "I knew I was the best, but it's always nice to have that acknowledged."

"I can't believe you just fought for the entertainment of the Mads," Jonah sighed disapprovingly.

"That's not why I did it," Gypsum said. "I did it for my own satisfaction. But hey, Kinga, if you want to toss up some extra RAM chips in the next supply shipment for your favorite champion bot..."

"You got it, girl. Now, about the movie..." Crow let out a pathetic whimper, and Kinga cackled. "I've got a real stinker called Atlantic Rim lined up for you. It's Pacific Rim, but a shitty ripoff focused on the Eastern seaboard. But on the bright side... Crow's got some giant mechas to root for to salve his wounded pride."

" _Their!_ "

"Whatever! Send them the movie!"

"Ugh... movie sign," Crow sighed as Jonah hauled them up from the floor on his way toward the theater.


	3. 3: a kiss on the cheek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure, there are other ways to express appreciation for a friend, but... why bother when a smooch on the cheek says it all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gabby is mine, Ray belongs to SmitsHappens, Sandwich belongs to TwoDayShipping!

"You're kidding me," Ray said, and Gabby snorted a laugh.

"Nothing but the truth."

"No, I don't believe it."

"I swear it's true, Raygun! It sounds counterintuitive, but I wouldn't lie to you."

"It doesn't make any sense!"

"Honey, if you're looking for sense, you are on the wrong planet."

"Not really," Jonah interjected, looking amused. "Because there's not much more sense being made on Earth either. I think she's right regardless of what planet we're on."

"The universe is nonsense," Sandwich chimed in, "but I don't see what your problem is. Of course there's more potential energy in a Snickers bar than in a candle."

"That's not how energy  _works_ ," Ray said desperately, and Sandwich liberated the candy bar out of his hands and started unwrapping it.

"Well, I'll eat this, and you can eat the candle, and we'll see--"

"Give that back!" It wasn't even Ray coming to his own defense, but Gabby who took the candy out of Sandwich's hand. "I got that specifically for him. Come on, Sandwich, you've already had one of these. He's never tried it before."

"Yeah, but I already know I like it. What if he doesn't like it? You could be wasting this delicious chocolate--"

"I'm not a waste of chocolate," Ray said with a pout as Gabby gave him the candy back. "I won't know if I like something until I have it, but even if I don't like it, it's not  _wasted_." 

"I'm pretty sure you're going to like it," Jonah said. "I know I do, at least."

"Well? Taste it," Gabby said. Ray looked at the chocolate bar for a second before taking a bite off the end. His eyes lit up.

"Sandwich, if you ever take one of these away from me again, you better make a run for it," he mumbled through a second bite.

"Please, like I could ever outrun you, stilts."

"I knew you'd like it," Gabby said. "I had a feeling. You didn't seem like a Charleston Chew kinda guy. I thought you'd appreciate something with more texture."

"Thanks, Gabby," Ray said, and leaned all the way down to peck her on the cheek, leaving a chocolate smear just under her left eye mark. She beamed at him as he straightened up and then threw her arms around him.

"You're welcome. I like getting to show you new things, and I'm glad I was on the mark with this one."

"You got him candy and not me," Jonah said, and Gabby snorted again.

"You wound me with your accusations, Heston. I got you peanut butter cups." She produced the orange package out of a vest pocket and found herself getting another kiss on the cheek from someone far too tall to do it easily. "Gosh, you guys, I'm gonna get all twitterpated if you keep this up."

"You're too busy being twitterpated over Max," Sandwich said, and Gabby blushed lilac.

"I can be twitterpated over whomever I please, thank you very much. If I want to get giggly over giant nerds smooching me, I will." 

"I think she's jealous," Ray said, and he leaned over to kiss the top of Sandwich's head. "Don't worry, there's enough smooching to go around."

"Ew," Sandwich said, waving a hand up at Ray, but she turned pale purple too. "I don't want kisses, I want candy. Give me candy instead."

"Here," Jonah said, and offered her one of his peanut butter cups, but held it over her head at the last second. "But only if you don't gossip about this."

"You're killing me. Fine, give me the candy!" Jonah grinned as he handed it to her, and she rolled her eyes as she took it. "Ya big jerk. Buying my silence."

"Hey, buying you off is the only way to ensure it," Gabby said. 

"You can continue to buy my silence on any topic with chocolate, but I demand better chocolate the better the gossip would be," Sandwich bargained, and Gabby looked thoughtful.

"What would a Toblerone get me?"

"I'll watch the hall next time you canoodle with Max and warn you if Kinga's coming."

" _Sold._ "


	4. 4: super secret kiss (Explicit, Max/Gabby)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When your entire relationship is forbidden by the evil overlord, every kiss is super secret... and everything beyond a kiss has to be, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting the rating to change this soon, but... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I've been working on Gabby for OC-tober and she's getting very demanding as a result of it.

"Who goes there?" Gabby whispered at the sound of approaching footsteps, barely holding back a laugh. Yes, having a tryst on the Moon after it had been explicitly forbidden by the evil overlord was dangerous, but their cloak-and-dagger routine still seemed like overkill when all they really needed was to know when Kinga had turned in for the night. A familiar hand curled around the corner, followed a second later by one dark eye and a puff of silver curls.  
  
"Just me, Lilac," Max said, and she beamed and pulled his hand until the rest of him turned the corner and into her arms.  
  
"You're late," she said, and he made an expression of long suffering.  
  
"Kinga was kicking my ass in Scrabble and demanded another round."  
  
"Poor thing."   
  
"Then I beat her in the second round and she went to her bedroom sulking."  
  
"I'm surprised you didn't just take the fall," she said, and he grinned.  
  
"I played 'zippy' across a triple word score with the Z on a double letter score. 93 points. I thought she was going to flip the table."  
  
"Absolutely savage. I'm so proud of you." She kissed him on the cheek, and he bit his lip playfully.  
  
"What, an overwhelming victory doesn't entitle me to a proper kiss?"  
  
"Don't let it go to your head," she said, catching his face between her hands to give him the kiss he requested. Kissing Max had a way of making her lose track of anything else she'd been thinking about, and from the way he blinked dazedly at her when she pulled back, it had a similar effect on him. "So... mm. What's the plan tonight?"  
  
"Well, the infirmary is empty right now..."  
  
"Ooh, are you going to dress up like a sexy nurse for me?" A look of horror dawned across his face, and she burst into giggles. "Jeez, it was a joke."  
  
"I don't have the legs to pull off the skirt," he said.  
  
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that," Gabby said, and swatted his butt. He jumped and she laughed again. "So if you're not playing dress-up, the infirmary is relevant because...?"  
  
"Because it's empty? And no one will be around to collect gossip about us canoodling in a hospital bed?"  
  
"Ohhhh."   
  
"Anyways,  _you_  could pull off the nurse outfit."  
  
"I'd rather pull off your outfit," she purred, and Max went pink. "Are you sure Nurse Susan won't mind us being in there?"

"I may have paid her off to ensure that would be true," he said, and she grinned. "We should have a couple hours to ourselves unless someone gets hurt for real."

"Fantastic," Gabby chirped, and resisted the urge to take his hand as they walked the halls between their secret meeting place and their new secret makeout spot. This late at night, they hardly passed anyone anyways, and when they reached the locked door of the infirmary Max took out his master key and let them in, relocking the door behind them. Gabby looked around the room-- two hospital beds, several tanks along one wall for long-term recovery stasis for really badly injured Boneheads, and a whole bunch of equipment she might have been interested in investigating had she been here alone. But she wasn't alone. "Come here," she said, and pulled Max over to the closer bed.

"I didn't really have plans for what to do after we got here," he said as he sat on the edge of the lowered hospital bed. "Beyond the very vague 'canoodle'."

"How much more specific do we need to get?" she asked, opting to sit not next to him but on his lap instead. "Nothing's going to happen unless we both want it to happen, and I feel like that's enough to go on with." He blinked at her and then smiled, settling his hands on her waist just below her vest. His touch made her shiver with excitement.

"Yeah, that's a valid point." When Gabby reached up to card her fingers through his curls, Max sighed happily and tilted his head into her touch. 

"But given that we both have to want it to happen... how many articles of clothing are you in the mood to discard at the moment? Because I'm not particularly attached to my uniform right now, and--" He slid his hands up under her vest in a gentle caress before pushing it off her shoulders, and she dropped her arms and let it fall to the floor. "Yes, that's what I'm talking about!"

"I could part ways with a couple of things," he said, and Gabby started undoing the buttons on his jacket with an anticipatory grin on her face, then leaned in to kiss him again when he was down to his undershirt but paused to look at the logo on the shirt: Moon 14 Mesozoic Ranch. 

"I didn't realize there was merchandise too."

"Are you kidding? She'd do anything to make another buck." Gabby tugged the hem of the t-shirt up to put her hands on Max's bare skin, and he shivered. "Your hands are cold."

"Cold hands, warm heart," she said cheerfully, and resumed going in for that kiss she'd been after. It seemed only fair for him to slide his hands under her shirt too, one splaying at the small of her back and one slowly trailing up her side until his fingertips hit the band of her bra. "Oh, please do keep going," she said when he hesitated.

"You're sure it's okay?"

"I'll cry if you stop." His brows shot up and he moved his hand to cup her breast, earning himself another kiss and the additional bonus of her shifting higher on his lap, which made them both suck in a sharp breath. "Oh, Max...  _can_  I have you tonight? I've only been daydreaming about it since I figured out what sex means."

"You... really?" He turned very pink. 

"Uh, yeah. How many times do I need to tell you that I've loved you since the day we met for you to grasp the implications of it?"

"I just didn't think about it that way!" He kissed her again and added, "If you want me, I'm yours."

"Oh, do I ever." Gabby ditched her own shirt before pulling at his, leaving her in the standard-issue sports bra with the usual Bonehead markings running down her sides on full display. Max hummed thoughtfully and ran his fingers along the marks, tracing the angled lines that followed the shape of her ribs. The side marks weren't quite as dark as her facial markings, looking more like bruises than anything, and even though he knew that they weren't bruises he touched them gently. She touched him back just as gently, her hands pressed against his chest and sliding down over his belly, and she smiled at him. "I like the way you're shaped. Boneheads don't get to be soft." 

"Yeah, Kinga edited that out of the genetic code as much as possible," Max said, and then shook his head. "Sorry. Not thinking about her."

"It's fine." One of Gabby's hands slipped lower to press against him through his pants, and she smirked when he gasped. "I believe I can keep your attention on me." She slid off his lap and started to shimmy out of her uniform shorts, trying not to laugh at the very avid way he watched her bend over to remove them after she kicked off her boots. "You should be doing this too," she said, and he blinked a couple of times.

"And miss watching you get naked? I thought you wanted my attention." Crossing her arms, she paused with her leggings still on until Max started kicking off his boots too. Underneath his boots, the interesting socks of the day had a spider pattern on them, and underneath the pants he removed when she made a  _continue_ motion, his boxers had a design of sushi rolls. 

"Gosh, you're cute," Gabby said, stepping closer to play her fingertips against the line of his erection straining his boxers. He whimpered at her touch, and she leaned in to kiss him sweetly. "I can't believe this is happening, I've wanted it for so long." When she let go of him, it was only to finish disrobing herself, leaving her leggings in a pile on the floor and arching her back as she pulled the sports bra over her head and dropped it. Her nipples were the same pale purple as her cheeks currently were.

"You're so much more than cute," he said as she nudged him back toward the bed. "You're beautiful, Gabby." She didn't answer, just smiled as she tugged his boxers off and gave him a lingering head-to-toe look that made him flush not from self-consciousness but from the blatant desire in her gaze. "What-- uh, how do you want this to go?"

"I have no idea," she said, pushing him to sit down on the bed and studying him with her head tilted to one side before taking her prior place on his lap once again. "I'm open to suggestion." Glancing down, he put his hands on her thighs and stroked them with his fingertips. She bit her lip and put her arms around his neck to pull him in to be kissed, making a soft stifled sound into his mouth when his fingertips found the apex of her thighs and began to explore her. "Mm, that's  _good_."

"Just tell me if you don't like something I do. Or if you really like something and I should do it again." 

"Likewise," she said, digging her fingers through his hair and pulling gently, an activity that had been thoroughly approved of during prior smooching sessions. "Oh, you can keep doing  _that_."

"What, this?" He'd barely pressed his finger into her, but the breathy moan she made as he slid it further in went straight to his head. He had no point of reference to compare this to, no words to put to the way she felt inside, but he wanted to tell her something, knowing that she loved to hear how he felt. She didn't give him the chance, kissing him again while he was trying to find the words before reaching down between them to take him in hand and thoroughly destroy whatever scant train of thought he'd been managing before that with a couple of firm strokes.

"Max," she breathed, and he opened his eyes to meet hers, finding them wide and wondrous. "Please, can we--"

"Whatever you want," he said immediately.

"I know it's impatient of me, but I need to feel this-- need to feel you. In me. Please."

"Come here, then." He shifted back on the bed to make sure she wouldn't fall out of his lap when they started moving, then cupped her bottom with both hands to pull her closer to him. "I'm yours," he added, the most dangerous sentiment he could express but one he'd expressed a dozen times after a dozen secret kisses. She beamed at him as she guided him in and slowly, slowly sank down around him.

" _Oh._ " It was rare for Gabby to be at a loss for words, but there was nothing she could say just now, body more eloquent than her mouth for once in her life. Her head dropped to Max's shoulder and she breathed raggedly into the side of his neck, letting him support her with his arms around her back and so much of his warm skin pressed to hers. "Oh, Max..."

It was less rare for Max to be at a loss for words, and the only words running through his mind seemed too raw and honest to speak aloud while they were entangled this way. He kissed her hair and waited for her to move, one hand smoothing up and down her spine until she lifted her head and looked at him. She was flushed purple all the way down to her breasts, and her eyes were fever-bright in their dark markings when they met his. "Are you okay?"

"Better than," she said, and put her arms around him, one hand going into his hair. "I love you," she added, and cautiously began moving, rising and falling in his lap with no rhythm or sense to it aside from her own overloaded nerves screaming for  _more, more of this, right now_.

"I love you too." Well, if she could say it, then it must be okay to say at this moment. He meant it, after all, just as much as he always did when he said it. Her breasts bouncing were very distracting, and he ducked his head to catch one violet nipple in his mouth to an appreciative sound from her and the hand in his hair tightening just enough to feel fantastic. 

Neither of them had much experience with this sort of thing, or came into it with any expectations beyond making each other happier. All Gabby was doing was following her instincts, and when her instincts told her to press Max flat on his back and ride him until the rising tension coiling through her found a resolution, she did exactly that. Max yelped when she pushed him down, his hands flying to her hips to steady her as her motion atop him flew right past their careful beginning and into frantic action. 

His climax came as a surprise to them both with a shudder and a sob of her name, and when she didn't stop moving atop him his breathless wonder turned into helpless laughter as the oversensitivity overwhelmed him. When he started laughing, so did she, and she only stopped moving and laughing when her orgasm crested and left her clinging to him with arms gone weak from the shivers coursing through her body. Gasping for breath between their giggles, they cuddled together until the bliss ebbed away and left them sticky and sweaty but content.

"Hey... Max?"

"Yeah, Gabby?"

"How much did it cost to bribe Susan to let us into here?"

"Does it matter?"

"It does if I'm going to bribe her to do it again." She lifted her head to give him a mischievous smile. "Cause there's no chance in hell we're only doing this once."

"Well... we've got another hour or so," Max pointed out with a matching smile. "So it doesn't have to be  _just_ the once."

"I like the way you think," she said, and leaned to give him another sweet, lingering kiss.


	5. 5: surprise kiss (Ray/Jonah)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 30 seconds from [At the Christmas Party Hop](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/boneheadcanons/works/13025532).

Ray thought that tying the mistletoe to his reindeer antler headband was an elegant solution to the problem of people trying to steer him underneath it.  Christmas was  _awesome_  as far as he was concerned. Eggnog was great, this party was great, smooching anyone who came up to him wearing a green button was great. 

Someone tapped his shoulder, and Ray turned. The first thing he saw was the green button, and he pursed his lips and leaned in before he realized that he wasn't leaning down-- it was  _Jonah_  he was smooching, and Jonah's hands clutched at Ray's shoulders in surprise but pulled him closer instead of pushing him away. Off to the right, someone wolf whistled, and Ray pulled back to find Jonah wide-eyed and faintly smiling.

"Hi," Ray said, and Jonah pushed his glasses up his nose and blinked, as if to reset himself.

"Hi to you too. I was going to ask if you hit the dessert tray yet."

"Not yet."

"C'mon, I found something you're gonna love." They were in no danger of losing each other in the crowd, head and shoulders above nearly everyone else in the room, but Jonah reached for Ray's hand to tug him along anyways, and Ray laughed as they cut through the dance floor on the way to something sweet.


	6. 6+7: friendly smooch + kiss on the forehead (Kinga/Max/Jonah)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like tag, only better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little followup scribble to [Moonrise Bakery](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11993577).

It didn't take long for Jonah to get used to a tug on his collar to summon him to lean down for a kiss when it seemed like every time he saw either of the Forresters they did just that. Kinga usually gave him a sultry glance over the edge of her glasses when she did it that he was helpless to resist. Max didn't need any props; his hopeful smile was enticing enough to lure Jonah in. 

During the winter months practically all their meetings happened while it was dark outside. Jonah's all-nighters were brighter when he could stop by the bakery at the end of them, even if the sun wouldn't be up for hours from the time when Max pushed the front door open to let him in and pulled him down for a quick hello smooch. Jonah would have a cup of coffee and linger in the doorway to the back, watching Max bustle about to produce the daily delicacies and keeping him company with conversation and the occasional kiss when he was between tasks. Jonah would usually have to leave before Kinga made her appearance around 9am, but on the nights when he met up with them on their rotating restaurant schedule for dinner she'd insist on receiving a kiss before she'd let him sit down with them. 

It began to feel like a game on the nights they would bring him home with them, not like they were keeping score but like they were passing a single kiss around like a game of tag, the recipient of one kiss instigating the next, affectionate but brief smooches morphing into slow, hungry kisses as a prelude to further intimacy. Max liked to rub his cheek against Jonah's, into the tickly prickle of stubble against his skin, while Kinga preferred to catch Jonah's face between her hands to be sure he wouldn't scruff her, squawking whenever he managed to do it anyways. 

Jonah hadn't realized how much fun a playful relationship could be, but for the first couple of months of their tryst it seemed like lighthearted displays of affection were the rule between the baker and his wife. Kinga seemed quite taken by the sight of her husband and their boyfriend kissing, content to stroke the backs of their necks while they smooched sweetly, and they never left her out of it for long. It turned out, completely unsurprisingly, that Max liked to tickle, but he was equally likely to pounce on either Kinga or Jonah until they dissolved into laughter. 

The first time Jonah spent the entire night with them, he got a kiss on each cheek before he fell asleep, and when he stirred in the early hours of the morning when Max's lighted alarm clock brightened the room, Max dropped a kiss on his forehead and whispered, "Go back to sleep, cute stuff." Curled up against Jonah's other side, Kinga was fast asleep with an eye mask securely in place. Jonah made a quiet sound of protest when Max went to get out of bed until he got a proper kiss first, but once he got that and Max turned off the light, it was back into sweet dreams about his sweet partners.


	7. 8: kiss on the nape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't really matter what shape he's in when the affection he's shown is the same regardless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to use a lot of these smooches to peek in on AUs I've written. Here's one for [How Do Humans Purr (and Other Housecat Questions)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312075)

The nice thing about Max's were-human status only asserting itself at night was that cuddling up to go to sleep was really, really cozy when he was in human shape. It was one thing to curl up next to Kinga when he was in his fur, but when he wasn't, she would wrap herself around him from behind and kiss the back of his neck as she was falling asleep. It was even better on nights when Jonah stayed, too, because he'd wrap an arm around Kinga and rub his hand up and down Max's arm until he drifted off and went still.

Max always woke up first, back in his fur, but he didn't yowl for breakfast first thing any more. He just stepped across Kinga and wedged himself between her and Jonah, purring up a storm as he watched his people with wide golden eyes. If anyone stirred, it was usually Jonah, who would hum and move his arm to cover Max and maybe nuzzle into the curly fur at the back of Max's neck. Jonah was always generous with his affection regardless of the shape Max was in, and Max almost wasn't sure which way he liked it better.

"You've been letting me sleep in," Kinga pointed out as she sipped her coffee one morning. Max put his whiskers forward in amusement-- he'd wondered how long it would take her to notice, and apparently that turned out to be two and a half weeks. "Did becoming a person turn you more patient?" He rolled his eyes and leaned against her ankles.

"I think it turned him more thoughtful," Jonah suggested from his slouch against her refrigerator as he waited for his toast to pop. Max walked over to sit at his feet and stared up at him, and Jonah smiled. "Or more cuddly." He wiggled a toe and Max swatted at it with a velvet paw. "Your cat is nice. He doesn't want to wake us up." 

"Mrow," Max said in clear protest. 

"I'm sorry. You, Max, are nice."

"Mrrr." The toaster popped and Max bolted out of the room. 

"It's weird how well you understand him," Kinga said, watching Jonah spread peanut butter on his toast. 

"He deserves to have his compliments directly addressed to him," Jonah said with a laugh in his voice, looking over when Kinga snorted.

"He's changing, though," she said a little softer. "He's acting a little less like a cat and a little more like--" 

"A considerate person?"

"I was going to say a little more like you."

"Oh. Really?"

"That's what I think."

"I mean, we have been spending a lot of time together," Jonah said, taking a bite of his toast and chewing it thoughtfully. 

"Pretty much all his human-shape time."

"Not only that. How many nights a week do I stay here now?"

"Uh, most of them?"

"I talk to him when he's not human-shaped. He's a good listener. And he's on my lap almost as much as he's on yours on any given night. I guess I'm rubbing off on him."

"I can think of much worse influences he could have," Kinga said, and stood up to put her coffee cup in the sink only to catch Max sitting just outside the doorway watching them. "Well? Any contribution to this discussion?" Max looked up at her and blinked slowly, then walked across the kitchen to twine around Jonah's ankles, purring loud enough to be heard six feet up.


	8. 9: passionate kiss (Kinga/Max)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just a thought. It's okay if she doesn't agree. He didn't really expect her to agree anyways, only hoped that she would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An interlude set between "even the mistakes aren't really mistakes at all" and "lovers from the moon".

It was almost time for the next phase of their plan to take effect. By the end of the week, they'd be on the Moon, cut off from Earth and from every human being except for each other and Synthia. It was only a little bit terrifying to contemplate now. At first, the idea had made Max profoundly nervous-- what if something went wrong? Something always went wrong. What if one of them got hurt, or sick? What if they'd miscalculated something and they ran out of food, or oxygen? What if-- what if-- The only "what if" that mattered to Kinga was "what if we don't do it and waste our lives here on Earth?" He'd sworn to follow her anywhere, to the ends of the Earth or off it entirely, and he wasn't going to back down from that promise now that their lives were about to change so dramatically. He had another dramatic change in mind, anyways.

Their last date night on Earth, they drove out to a field with a blanket and a picnic basket to watch the Perseid meteor shower and gaze at the Moon they were about to occupy. Kinga used Max as a pillow as she stared up into the sky full of shooting stars, the steady rise and fall of his chest soothing her perpetually jangled nerves, and when she reached for his hand, he laced their fingers together and pulled her hand up to kiss.

"Hey, Kinga?"

"Yeah?" She didn't lift her head, and he wasn't sure if he wanted her to look at him or not.

"Want to get married before we go to the Moon?"  _That_  got her to lift her head, looking at him with narrowed eyes like she was waiting for him to deliver a punchline. 

"Are you joking?"

"No... I'm being serious. Do you really think I'd joke about asking you to marry me?"

"I don't know why you would want to. I'm a mess."

"Yeah, and who's better equipped to handle that mess than me?" He tried to not feel offended by her reaction, a huff through her nose and a roll of her eyes. "Look, if you don't want to, just say so. It was just a thought."

"I don't think it's necessary," she said, and sat up fully to turn to look at him. "It's not like we're even going to have anyone around to divert our attention from each other. And it's such a hassle anyways. Going through all the paperwork of changing names, paying for a marriage license, what's the point?"

"Okay then." He shrugged, not aware of just how much of his disappointment was making it to his face. She sighed and scooted closer to him.

"It's not going to matter on the Moon," she said. "You're already the most important person in my life anyways. It's just a formality."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"If you want to get me a pretty ring, I'll wear it."

"I bet you would."

"Oh, Max..." She curled her hand at the back of his neck and leaned in to kiss him, knocking him flat on his back with the passion and promise in her lips. "We don't need to get married for you to know that I love you, do we?" she asked, leaning over him with her hair falling around her face and tickling his cheek.

"We don't  _need_ to, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't  _like_  to." 

"Well, I don't really  _want_  to." She kissed the disappointment out of his expression and added, "Ask me again when we get back from the Moon, okay?"

"Whenever  _that_  will be..."

"It doesn't matter how far away it is. You're not going to leave me either way." That much was true, he supposed. It didn't matter. Neither of them was likely to go anywhere without the other, and that had been true almost all of their lives, and it would be true for probably the rest of their lives.

"I'm definitely going to ask you again then," he said, and she smirked.

"I expected nothing less."


	9. 10: kiss on the lips (Kinga/Jonah)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jonah gets hauled back in after the Reptilicus Metallicus incident, he knows he probably can't convince Kinga to drop her whole plan, but there might be a way he could influence her a bit.

"You're not getting away that easily," Kinga said. Jonah took off the helmet of his spacesuit and sighed.

"Easily? What was easy about getting swallowed by whatever the hell that robot snake thing was?"

"I meant away from me, not away in space."

"Sure, whatever." He put the helmet under his arm, pushed his glasses up, and fixed her with an expectant stare. "So what happens now?"

"Well, the wedding is ruined." Before he could sigh in relief she pointed at him. "Which doesn't mean you're off the hook. Just on it a little later."

"Really? Are you sure we can't just call it off?"

"You wish. But, honestly, I was looking forward to a different kind of action today..." She took a few steps closer to him and he leaned back slightly. "Oh, relax. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Oh? What's changed?" She rolled her eyes and hooked two fingers in the rigid collar of his spacesuit, pulling him down to her level despite his resistance to being yanked around. 

"I just want to see if I have anything to look forward to," she said, and crushed her lips to his in probably the worst kiss he'd ever had. It took a serious exertion of will to not laugh at how bad she was at this. For a second Jonah wondered if kissing her terribly would get her to ditch the plan to wed him, but despite his better judgment he found himself kissing her back, hands coming up to frame her face and hold her still. She made a soft startled noise when he licked at her lips and let him in immediately. The grip she had on his spacesuit fell away, and when he straightened back up she let him go. "Oh."

"Oh?" Oh didn't say much. She was frowning slightly as she stared up at him, then shook her head sharply and pulled her arrogance back around herself like a cloak.

"I guess this might be worth more than a dumb ratings stunt," she said. He tried not to wince. That had been such a huge strategic mistake on his part. "Do you want to have dinner with me?"

"Uh, what?"

"I'm going to kick you back up to the SOL. But do you want to eat first? With me?" She seemed flustered. "Not that I care one way or another."

"Yeah, that would be... nice," Jonah said. It probably wouldn't be nice. It would probably be really weird. But... if one kiss could get her to do something nice for him, maybe subsequent kisses would have a similar result. It was worth investigating.


	10. 11: kiss of victory (Monarch/21)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all happens so fast that he only thinks about it after the deed's been done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one gigantic spoiler for Venture Bros 7x10, "The Saphrax Protocol." I lifted all the dialogue straight out of the episode. It just changes one minor thing.

The Guild is... kind of ridiculous, Gary thinks, standing in the shadows wearing steampunk goggles and waiting to play his part in this weird little psychodrama. He remembers when he set his feet on the path toward becoming what he is today, LARPing in the woods with his friends, and it's the same sort of thing, isn't it? It's just people, putting on characters, staging scenes and battles. It's make-believe with lethal consequences sometimes. 

He has to say though, he doesn't mind dressing up to play this part. The waistcoat looks good on him, or at least Monarch had told him that it does, and the top hat is cool. Watching Monarch act out the Saphrax legend just makes him certain that his super dramatic villain was a total theater kid back in school. Then Dr. Wife steps in, and Gary focuses, readying his lines, needing to play this part to perfection to make Monarch happy.

...but he's been doing a great job of that lately, hasn't he? Stepping into whatever role he's asked to play, as long as that part is at Monarch's side. 

Being bestowed with a Level Four Villain status is like a splash of ice water in Gary's face. That's-- not what he expected, and certainly not what he wants. He's frozen in shock, not knowing what to say. "What the  _fuck_?" It's Monarch, who is, predictably, pissed. "This was supposed to be  _my_  party!" 

"I don't--" Gary starts, but Phantom Limb shushes him. Like a goddamn librarian! Gary shuts up and the ritual continues. All he does is focus on the part he's playing until he's left on the sidelines again. Dr. Z hands Monarch a real sword that gleams in the light and points him into the tent Gary can't see into, and for a second Gary thinks  _so this is all over, huh?_  But it can't be. Not like this. Not when they were supposed to be getting everything they wanted tonight. It doesn't make sense. 

Monarch comes out of the tent, flings the sword down, and proceeds to tell off every Guild council member in front of him. "You guys are dicks! This is a total mind fuck!" Red Mantle tells Gary to step forward, and that's all Monarch can take, apparently. "Okay. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. You guys win. The Guild wins. I'm done. Monarch out." And that's it. That's what Gary can do. If Monarch walks, he's got no reason to stay.

"I don't want to do this without him! I don't have that kind of Saphrax grudge. I just want to help my best friend with his hate. Fuck you guys! Monarch crew. Hench for life." He tugs up his shirt to display the tattoo he'd gotten what seems like a lifetime ago, and lifts his fist in the air. A second later, Monarch does too.

And apparently  _that's_ it. That was the key to unlocking what this night was meant to be. They're proclaimed Level Ten villains, and in the quick, disbelieving glance they shoot each other, Gary can see the renewed spark of every plan they've made together and every batshit crazy stunt they have yet to pull in Monarch's eyes. 

Gary doesn't think about it, just acts on his overwhelming impulse. He does what he's done on so many late nights that no one but the two of them knows about, and grabs Monarch and kisses him soundly while the gathered villains chant, "All hail Saphrax and Altheaus!" There's not even time for anyone to gasp before Watch and Ward strut into the room and Gary lets go of his-- his number one, now,  _his_  villain for real, trying not to look too guilty when he meets Dr. Wife's eyes. She doesn't seem shocked, but she also doesn't seem pissed. She seems... proud. 

And then Watch drops his nuclear fucking bombshell, and Meteor Majeure rings with Monarch's shriek. " _Are you **kidding**  me?_"


	11. 12: kiss on the ear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The defining characteristics of a punt bunny are that it is cute and masochistic. Max feels a little too much kinship with it.

Kinga has never been good about taking care of her pets. She's just a little too thoughtless and a little too heartless to be a good pet owner. This means that after she gets bored with whatever she's adopted, bred, or genetically manipulated, the care of that creature falls into Max's long list of responsibilities. He's lost track of how many pets she's abandoned to him in the years they've known each other.

He likes the punt bunnies, though. They're mild little things, soft to the touch, constantly begging for attention when he comes into their enclosure to feed them and change their litter box. He can't bring himself to kick them, even though he knows they enjoy it. He gives them attention in less hurtful ways, and they seem to enjoy that too. 

The pink one gets under his feet all the time, trying to get him to kick it even though he doesn't want to. The blue one doesn't try to trip him up, but it does follow him around, at his heels the entire time he's in the room. Before Max leaves, he picks each one of them up and hugs it for a moment. The pink one only accepts his affection for a moment before it wiggles out of his grip and hops down to the floor, but the blue one seems satisfied to be snuggled, putting its head on his shoulder and tickling his neck with its whiskers.

"See you tomorrow, guys," Max says at the door of the enclosure, and he kisses the velvety ear of the punt bunny before he puts it back on the ground. It tries to follow him out the door and he puts out one foot to block it. The punt bunny looks up at him with its big dark pleading eyes, and Max sighs. It's not his place to keep anything from fulfilling its purpose. He pulls his foot back and gives the punt bunny a soft kick into the middle of the room, then closes the door on its squeal of joy.


	12. 13: height difference kiss (Jonah/Kinga, Jonah/Max)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't take Jonah long at all to notice the different approaches that Kinga and Max take towards bridging the significant differences in their height to him, once he realizes that they both act according to their essential natures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fits in with [Lovers from the Moon](https://archiveofourown.org/series/766998)

It doesn't take Jonah long at all to notice the different approaches that Kinga and Max take towards bridging the significant differences in their height to him, once he realizes that they both act according to their essential natures. They wouldn't make such a great duo if they were similar, Jonah thinks, and the thought of Max acting more like Kinga is... unnerving, to say the least.

Kinga, impetuous and proud, always goes to pull Jonah down to her level. He tries not to let her yank him around, and she will ask him to bend if he resists, but her first instinct is to hook her fingers in his collar and haul him down into her range. Jonah's preferred method is to pick her up, and it's effective-- ever since they started this entanglement, from the very first, he's loved doing it to her and she loves it when he does it, especially when he holds her up against the wall with his hands under her ass and one of his thighs pressed between hers. But it's hard to get Kinga to cede control, even when she knows she enjoys the results of doing so.

Max, on the other hand, doesn't pull Jonah down. He finds ways to bring himself up to Jonah's level instead. Any time they go up or down stairs, Max will pause them when he's two steps up and lean in to kiss Jonah when he's got a tiny height advantage instead of a massive height deficit. The slight dissonance of looking up at Max adds a twist to their sweet kisses. They quickly end up making out a lot with Max sitting on the bed and Jonah kneeling between his parted legs, so close to of a height that it's nearly effortless to kiss, neither of them getting a crick in his neck when they both end up with one if they spend any length of time smooching while standing. 

Jonah, if given the choice about it, doesn't mind coming down for kisses, but he prefers to slide his feet out and bring himself down that way instead of bending at the waist and knees, both of which are necessary to reach either of them otherwise. The amount of effort needed to get a kiss means that every kiss is deemed worth the effort, not that Jonah is the type of person to half-ass any kiss ever. He doesn't realize at first how very much he's going to enjoy kissing both of them, but by the time he promises to be theirs forever he's got a pretty good idea that forever is the perfect amount of time to continue kissing them.


	13. 14: bashful kiss (Terry/Synthia)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Synthia's changing. Terry doesn't mind if she doesn't mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild spoilers for season twelve and the 2018 MST3K Live tour.

If Terry's going to be honest, which he usually is, he's always thought Synthia was pretty. He knows she's a clone of Pearl Forrester-- everyone knows that-- but she's way prettier than Pearl. And way, way nicer than Pearl. Which doesn't even mean that she's  _nice_ , just nicer, which is a very low bar to clear. Although, to him, she's always been actually-nice. 

He doesn't think it's irrational of him to be worried when Kinga announces that she'll be testing her new smartness drug on Synthia. For one thing, testing  _anything_  on  _anyone_  is risky when Kinga is involved, but also... the smarter people are, the meaner they are, from what Terry can tell, and he isn't ready for Synthia to become as cruel as Kinga is. Of course, there's nothing he can do to stop the Algernon testing. And to make an awkward situation worse, he's put on observation duty as Synthia comes around after receiving the first infusion of the drug.

When Synthia wakes up, she finds a knitted stuffed animal tucked into the crook of her arm and Terry sitting at her bedside with his helmet on the floor next to his feet, his head propped on one hand as he leans against the bed. She picks up the doll and studies it for a moment, then smiles. "Did you have Max make this?" It's the least fragmented sentence he's ever heard her say, and he nods. "For me?"

"Well, yeah," Terry says, and her smile widens. "I wanted you to have something nice to wake up to."

"This is nice," she says, and totally impulsively, he leans in to kiss her cheek. He's flushing bright purple when he sits back, and the look of delight on Synthia's face amplifies a thousandfold. "What's that all about?" she asks teasingly, and he shrugs.

"I've wanted to do that for a while," he says, and she arches a brow at him.

"How long is a while?"

"I don't know, how long have we known each other?"

"That long? Really?" He nods, and she studies him for a moment. "So why now?"

"It seemed like the right moment."

"Now that I'm different? More improved?"

"Now that I know you mean it if you say yes to me." She drops her gaze to the stuffed animal, which isn't any particular animal she can identify-- it could be a cat or a dog, it's pretty lumpy and vague-- and then lifts it up when she lifts her gaze to meet his again and kisses the top of its head.

"Do you have to go tell someone I woke up?"

"Probably." He doesn't move until she reaches out and catches the edge of his vest to pull him closer, and he lets her reel him in slowly.

"Do you want to put off doing that for a little while and kiss me again maybe?"

"Absolutely," he says, and does as she asks.


	14. 15: enemies to lovers kiss (Kinga/Max)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not that Jonah has any real fondness for Max. It's just that he's already suffered the consequences of being put in the place Max wants to occupy himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to go one way with this story, and Jonah refused to cooperate with my plan, so it went another way.

* * *

"So what do you say, stilts?" Hands on her hips, Kinga cocked her head and stared up at her recently retrieved test subject. Jonah pulled his glasses off, rubbed his eyes with two fingers, and put them back on with a sigh.

"Let me get this straight... I barely escaped you with my life and you're just going to put me through the same thing again?"

"No! Of course not. Max isn't invited this time. You definitely won't get eaten by Reptilicus Metallicus again." 

"Not super reassuring. I don't suppose you'd be willing to consider an elopement instead of a big wedding?"

"That would defeat literally the entire purpose." 

"If you just want a big flashy wedding, why don't you tell Pearl to shove her stupid opinions and marry Max? You probably want an obedient husband and I'm not planning on being that for you."

"Because I want a  _hot_  husband," Kinga snapped, and Jonah blinked.

"You... think I'm hot?"

"Don't let it go to your head. You're just the best available option."

"So you don't think I'm hot."

"Yes, you're hot! Okay?! You're a hot nerd and I don't know what to do about that besides trying to make myself the only thing you think about." Jonah blinked again, then took a step closer to her and took her hands in his.

"You want someone obsessed with you when you already have that," he said. "I'm not that kind of person. You're never going to get what you want from me. So what's more important to you: being the only thing on your husband's mind, or his height and weight?" She rolled her eyes and pulled her hands from his grip to cross her arms, scowling up at him.

"I deserve to get both."

"In what universe? You're a horrible person. You don't even really deserve one, let alone both."

"Oh, you are in for a world of hurting."

"And how's that different from what you've been giving me?"

"What did he get you to wingman him this hard?"

"Uh... he got me swallowed by a robot when you tried to put me in the place he wanted to be? He doesn't need to bribe me for me to try to push you into his arms instead of mine. It's an act of self-defense on more than one level."

"Ugh!" Kinga threw her hands up in frustration, nearly whacking Jonah in the nose but for his quick dodge. "You are  _maddening_."

"And you're a Mad. Turnabout is fair play until you turn off my oxygen for it."

"I can't believe I'm even thinking about this."

"I don't want you to clarify what you're thinking about, just go do something about it." She scowled at him again and huffed through her nose, then turned on one heel and stormed away from him, muttering under her breath until she crossed paths with a Bonehead.

"Send Heston back up to the SOL," she ordered, and the Bonehead snapped off a salute and went to do it. Kinga continued her furious stomping until she reached the room she'd locked Max in after the fiasco of her failed wedding, then paused with her hand on the doorknob. Was she really going to let Jonah goad her into something that was so clearly a bad idea?

"Oh," Max yelped when she walked in. He sat up from the depressed slouch he'd been in and wiped his cheeks like she wasn't already aware of how big a crybaby he was. "Kinga. Uh. Did you... decide what to do with me, I guess?"

"Stand up," she said, and he did as he was told... as he always did. Ugh. "I really do hate you."

"Yeah. I know."

"Then why won't you just give up?" Max shrugged helplessly.

"How I feel about you isn't reliant on how you feel about me?"

"Then how do you feel about me?" She crossed her arms when he flushed, but he met her eyes straight on.

"You're the only person who matters to me. I mean, other people kind of matter a little. But I'd throw everyone else under a bus for you.  And honestly... I kind of expect you to make me do that at some point. But I'm willing to do it."

"Am I the only thing you think about?" Dammit, the honesty in his gaze was unnerving her. She didn't know how to deal with it.

"Not the only thing. But probably about eighty percent of what I think about." Her brows shot up, and she closed the distance between them in two steps, curling her fingers in the edge of his jacket between two of the buttons to give him a tug and kiss him without warning. His hands flew up to her shoulders until he caught on to what was happening and they slid down her arms and then wrapped around her, pulling her closer as he gave her the best he had to give-- which, it turned out, wasn't half bad. 

"Max?" She didn't pull away, just breathed his name against his lips. He made a sound that was about equal parts joy and terror, and Kinga smirked. "I think I have a few things to reconsider."


	15. 16: star crossed lovers kiss (Max/Gabby)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was just a matter of time before they got found out. Kinga knows that a threat is useless if you won't follow through on it, and she's never been susceptible to begging. You really don't want to tell a Bonehead she's got nothing left to lose, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely NOT part of my Boneheadcanons, and also not what I was intending to write. This was meant to have a very different ending, but Gabby decided that passively accepting death wasn't actually a thing she could do.

They made it longer than anyone really thought they would, given the way gossip tended to spread on Moon 13. Thinking they could get away with it forever was naive at best, but given the natural optimism of both Max and Gabby, they'd thought they had a chance to be happy for a while. A while lasted almost three months, and then late one night Gabby snuck off to the appointed makeout spot to meet Max and found him there-- with Kinga's fist wrapped in his collar, shaking him like a bad puppy until she heard Gabby walk in and dropped him.

"There she is," Kinga said, sneering at the Bonehead. "The woman of the hour."

"What hour?" Gabby asked nervously, and the sneer turned into a smirk.

"Well, the woman of the next few hours. It took about four to decommission the last defective Bonehead, but you're smaller than he was." Gabby took a quick step back, legs immediately going to jelly with terror, but Kinga was faster, grabbing Gabby's vest with both hands and giving her a shake as well. "How long did you think you could sneak around under my nose, 142? I told you what would happen."

"I'm too useful for you to kill me," Gabby said, hoping against hope that it was true. She looked past Kinga's shoulder to find Max pale and stricken, but motionless. "You have no idea what will happen to this moon base once I'm gone."

"I'll find out soon enough," Kinga spat, giving Gabby another hard shake before letting go of her. "You've been flaunting my orders for months. You're charismatic enough for your sedition to be a major issue for me as far as keeping control of my own goddamn empire. You have to go."

"I'm not  _seditious_ ," Gabby said, completely horrified. "I'd never do that! I'm loyal!"

"Loyal to  _him_ ," Kinga said, jerking a thumb behind her to point at Max. "Not loyal to me."

"Loyal to your cause. Loyal to the show. And I'm not  _disloyal_  to you. I'm just--"

"Defying my clearly stated orders and flouting the punishment I told you would come for doing so?"

"Please don't decommission me," Gabby said desperately. She fell to her knees and grabbed one of Kinga's hands in both hers. "Please. I'll-- I'll stop, I'll leave him alone, just please, please don't kill me."

"Too late for that now," Kinga said. "If his begging couldn't save you, yours sure as hell won't."

"I'll do anything. Literally anything. I'll go into exile. I won't talk to anyone. I'll just do my job and keep to myself. I swear."

"Yeah right," Kinga snorted. "You? The most talkative Bonehead on the Moon? You'd break that promise in sixty seconds. I can't trust a word out of your mouth. All you do is lie to me."

"That's not true!"

"Another lie!" Kinga wrenched her hand out of Gabby's grasp and used it to slap her, and Gabby reeled back in shock. "You're nothing but trouble, 142. And I don't need that kind of trouble around fucking up my plans."

"Kinga..." At the tremulous sound of Max's voice, Kinga whirled to fix him with a glare, but he didn't quail from her. "Please. If you kill her, I'm going to be absolutely useless to you. And you can't just decommission me too."

"I can throw you out an airlock," Kinga said, and Max shrugged.

"Fine. If you're seriously going through with this, you might as well. Because I can't work for you after that. I will have zero reason to show you any loyalty ever again. And if you kill the both of us, you might as well just pack it up and go back to Earth, because you'll have a riot on your hands."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No. I'm just telling you what will happen."

"As if I would let that happen. You've got an overinflated sense of your own importance, Max."

"I'm not really talking about my importance. I'm talking about her importance. You have no idea how many bad situations she's prevented already, but you'll find out as soon as you take her out of the picture."

"I think you're full of crap and you'll say anything to save your  _girlfriend_."

"He's really not wrong," Gabby ventured, and Kinga rolled her eyes and whirled to seize Gabby's arm and drag her down the hallway. Gabby didn't fight her even despite her much greater strength, knowing that if she had any scrap of a chance left, hurting Kinga would obliterate it. Kinga hauled Gabby all the way to the room she'd been created in, and Gabby eyed the six tall tanks used to grow every pod of Boneheads that existed and shuddered. Max trailed behind them but held his tongue in the hallway, even though it was so late at night that they didn't cross anyone's path on the way.

"Is there anything either of us can say to change your mind?" he asked when Kinga let go of Gabby, and Kinga snorted.

"No. Not a thing." Gabby rubbed her arm where Kinga had dug her fingers in and met Max's eyes, trying her best to look anything except mortally terrified.

"Max... Thank you. For everything." He made a broken sound and came closer to her to take her hands, and neither of them so much as looked at Kinga when she made a disgusted noise. "I'm sorry it has to end like this."

"It doesn't have to," he said, and Gabby lifted one shoulder in a shrug.

"It does unless I resort to violence. And I won't do that." She shot a sideways glance at Kinga and her lips twitched. "Even in self defense. And even if I would probably enjoy it." Kinga arched a challenging brow at Gabby and Gabby sighed. "God, I hate you so much. Even if you did create me. You're just such a horrible bitch and none of us like you at all."

" _Excuse_  me?"

"You're going to kill me anyways. I might as well speak my mind. You fucking suck and you're lucky I'm a pacifist or you'd be dead already." Kinga's eyes widened with fury and Gabby let go of Max's hands and leaned in to her, close enough to Kinga's height to look her dead in the eyes. "It would be so easy to just snap your neck. And I think murder might be the less morally objectionable choice in this matter. I'm pretty sure I bring more positivity into the universe than you do." She glanced over at Max. "What do you think, could you love me still if I killed her?"

"I'm honestly not sure," Max said, and Gabby shrugged. "But it looks like it's either her or the both of us."

"Sounds like it's worth a shot." Kinga took a step back, but she'd put herself between Gabby and the tanks and she had nowhere to go. "Sorry, Kinga, but you kinda did this to yourself," Gabby said, and hit the evil overlord with a right hook to the jaw. Kinga buckled to the floor and Gabby immediately bent to feel for a pulse, then patted her cheek and straightened. 

"I thought you were going to kill her," Max said, not sure if he was relieved or disappointed, and Gabby gave him a wide-eyed stare. 

"So did I, for a second. But that's not who I am. Nothing said I couldn't scare the shit out of her though. She'll know I could have done it when she comes to. And I'm pretty sure we just staged a coup? Because there's no way I'm giving her power over me again." 

"We? Take credit for your actions. I was ready to die with you."

"I'm not ready to die yet," Gabby said. "There's too much I still want to do. And now there's a lot to do that I haven't really considered before." 

"There's a lot I still want to do too. This, for starters." Max cupped a hand along her cheek and leaned in to kiss her, and Gabby sighed and swayed into him, glad that they got to do this when she'd thought she'd die without tasting his lips again. They had to figure out what to do with Kinga, and then what to do after that, but they had a minute to appreciate their continued existence together. 


	16. 17: three person kiss (Kinga/Max/Jonah)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max worries too much. It takes both Kinga and Jonah to distract him from his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably get worked into the next chapter of [Clarity of Sight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585058).

"Are we sure we're ready for this?" Of the three of them, Max was the most nervous about the Great Charter Stone they were trying to raise. Kinga had the certainty of her Sight, and Jonah had the confidence gained from raising the minor Stones by himself before he met them, but for Max it was a leap of faith to take their hands and trust in the Charter to work through them.

"I'm ready," Kinga said, trailing her fingers through the water of Alliel's fountain as she sat on the edge of it. She still didn't want to admit how enchanted she was by the display of love from a long-ago Abhorsen to one of her Clayr ancestors, but she'd been caught sitting on the fountain three times in the three days since she'd come to Abhorsen's House. Next to her sat Jonah, with his long legs stretched out in front of him, watching Max pace back and forth.

"Don't worry so much," he suggested. "It'll be fine. We're meant to do this." Max stopped between them and sighed.

"Just because something is meant to happen doesn't mean it'll go well when it does," he said. Kinga reached out to clasp his hands and pull him closer, smiling up at him.

"But we've been Seen later on," she said. "And we're going to be happy. So really, don't worry about  _this_ , at least." Max didn't look any less worried until she gave him a tug a little further down and leaned up to kiss him, and there was still a little doubt left in his expression when she sat back. "Oh, is that how it's going to go? Come here." She moved over slightly and pulled him down to sit between her and Jonah, then smiled past him at Jonah. "I think this might be a two person job."

"It's worth a shot," Jonah said, and they both swooped in to kiss Max this time, earning a startled laugh from him as their noses nudged and his lips were caught at both corners. 

"Oh," Max said as they both pulled away, a dazed smile on his face. "All right, you make a persuasive argument. I'm sorry I can't completely stop worrying, but you're probably right that I don't have to worry quite this much about this specific thing." 

"Wow, I didn't actually expect that to work," Kinga said. "We're just going to have to kiss you a lot to keep your anxieties in check."

"I'm highly in favor of this plan," Jonah said. "It seems better than the way people manage anxiety in Ancelstierre."

"How do they do it there?" Max asked, and Jonah looked down at his hands.

"Medication, mostly. I used to take it sometimes while Mom was... when she wasn't doing so well. But it didn't make me feel less anxious, it just made me feel nothing, and I'd rather feel something even if it's anxious and sad."

"Well, we'll just have to make sure you feel a lot of pleasant emotions from now on," Max said. "You don't seem like the type to get weighed down by sadness under normal circumstances."

"I'm not," Jonah said, and he looked back up at Max with a slight smile. "I try to keep myself too busy to be sad. That's why I'm on this side of the Wall at all. I had nothing to do on the other side except mourn."

"Don't worry," Kinga said, hopping off the fountain's edge to come over to Jonah and catch his face between her hands to kiss him. "We shouldn't have a reason to mourn here for some time."

"Charter willing," Max added, and Kinga just smiled. From her glimpses into the future, she was pretty sure the Charter was willing to let them be happy for a while.


	17. 18: kiss because of a dare (Eleanor/Tahani)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tahani feels like she should know by now that Eleanor Shellstrop plus alcohol equals what can only be described by the word "shenanigans," and yet she never tries to put the brakes on when the self-described dirtbag hits the gas by laying out a row of shots for the Brainy Bunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boyfriend has been asking me to write Eleanor/Tahani for a while now. Here ya go, honey.

Tahani feels like she should know by now that Eleanor Shellstrop plus alcohol equals what can only be described by the word "shenanigans," and yet she never tries to put the brakes on when the self-described dirtbag hits the gas by laying out a row of shots for the Brainy Bunch. Of course, they're drinking much better alcohol now that Jason has been bestowed with some of her wealth, and they have become closer friends in the wake of the revelation that not only is there a hell but they're all ending up there regardless of what they do, but when Eleanor hands Tahani a shot glass of thirty year old single malt whiskey and grins at her, Tahani takes the shot. What else should she do? She's certainly not going to sit out while everyone else is having fun.

"We should play a game," Jason says, and Eleanor's eyes light up.

"We should play Truth or Dare," she says. "Super easy, no hard rules or tiny pieces or limitations on players. Who's in?"

"I have an unfair advantage in this game," Janet says, and Eleanor winks at her. 

"All dares for Janet, got it." She nods at Michael. "What do you say? Are you in?"

"Truth or Dare, how exciting," Michael says with genuine enthusiasm. "Of course I'll play."

"Chidi? You feeling it?"

"I... I suppose," Chidi says, and Eleanor pats him on the shoulder. 

"Attaboy. How about it, Tahani?"

"Oh, this should be interesting. The last time I played Truth or Dare, Chris lifted Robert over his head, it was most amusing."

"Evans, Hemsworth, or Pratt?" Eleanor asks, and Tahani smiles beatifically.

"Evans. But the other two were playing as well."

"Everyone's in, then! All right..." Eleanor puts her hands together and taps her nose. "Michael, truth or dare?"

"Truth," Michael says.

"How many humans did you personally torture in the Bad Place?"

"Since the beginning of time? Oh, about a million."

"Nine-hundred and eighty-seven thousand, four hundred and twenty-nine, counting the four of you," Janet supplies, and Michael points at her.

"Yes, thank you. But the four of you were the only ones I  _designed_  the torment for, everyone else I was just working at a set station." 

"Aren't we special," Tahani says, and Michael smiles at her.

"Yes. At least, to me, you are." His pale eyes scan the room, and he points. "Chidi, truth or dare?"

"Truth. No, dare. Uh, I mean..." Eleanor rolls her eyes and taps Chidi lightly on the back of the head, and he winces. "Dare."

"I dare you to drink until you can answer the question 'truth or dare' without overthinking it," Michael says, and Eleanor hoots and hands Chidi the bottle of whiskey.

"There ya go, buddy. Your turn." Chidi takes a swig right out of the bottle, squeezes his eyes shut, and gestures blindly with his free hand. When he opens his eyes, he's pointing at Jason.

"Jason. Truth or dare."

"Dare, dawg!" As if Jason would ever pick anything else, Tahani thinks fondly. Chidi gets those frown lines between his eyebrows as he ponders a dare for Jason.

"I dare you to write a poem." 

"Aw, dip. Don't worry, I got this." Jason walks over to Tahani and takes her hand. "Roses are red, violets are blue, you are a babe, and that is true!" Tahani giggles and kisses him on the cheek. "Tahani, truth or dare?"

"I'll take a dare," she says, and Jason grins at her.

"Kiss Eleanor."

"Excuse me?" Tahani says, and Jason repeats himself like she just didn't hear him right.

"Kiss Eleanor!"

"I'm your  _wife_ ," she says, scandalized, and Jason gives her a puzzled look.

"Uh, yes? You're my wife, and you're a stone cold hottie, and so is Eleanor, and two hot ladies kissing is like, the second best thing in the world after jalapeno poppers, and you have my permission to kiss someone who's not me, so kiss Eleanor!" Tahani finally glances over at Eleanor, only to find her applying lip gloss and smacking her lips together.

"Come and get your love," she coos, and Tahani steals the bottle from Chidi's hand, takes a healthy swallow from it, pushes it into Jason's grasp, and walks over to Eleanor with her head held high. That lasts all of two seconds before Eleanor curls her hand at the back of Tahani's neck and pulls her down into range. "C'mon, you gorgeous giraffe, I can't make it up there so you gotta come down here."

"Very well," Tahani sighs, and leans all the way down. She's planning on a quick peck of lips, but Eleanor's still got that hand on the back of her neck and she waltzes past Tahani's lips like she's got a right to put her tongue in her mouth like that, how dare she, who does she... think she is... besides a very good kisser, dear god. Tahani whimpers when Eleanor nips at her lower lip before pulling back, and Eleanor gives her a filthy smirk and an overly familiar brush of fingers over her cheek. "Oh... oh my."

"That was  _hot_ ," Jason crows. Chidi looks dumbfounded. Michael looks clinically curious, and Janet is not even looking at Eleanor or Tahani, she's staring right at Jason with a complicated expression on her face. "It's your turn now, wifey!"

"Ah-- Janet? Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Janet says, still not looking at Tahani. 

"I dare you to take off your vest," Tahani says, and Janet glances down at her own body with a blank expression before unbuttoning the vest with clinical efficiency and shrugging it off. She hangs it over the back of a chair, and looks at Eleanor.

"Eleanor, truth or dare?"

"I'm gonna go with truth this time," Eleanor says.

"Is it true that you enjoyed kissing Tahani more than you enjoyed kissing any man you've ever dated?" Janet asks, and it's a foregone conclusion. Eleanor snorts a laugh and steals the bottle out of Jason's hands.

"I mean,  _obviously_ , just look at her." Eleanor salutes Tahani with the bottle before taking a slow sip from it and handing it back to Chidi. Tahani's jaw drops, and she is at a complete loss for words, not to mention completely oblivious to whatever Chidi chooses. She's torn-- she can't pick dare again, but she certainly can't pick truth, now, or she'll have to admit that she liked it-- or, worse, that she wants Eleanor to do it again some time.


	18. 19+20: fake dating kiss + palm kiss (Kinga/Donna)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since Kinga and Donna's paths have crossed. When Synthia expresses doubt that Kinga is worth Donna's attention, the only thing on Kinga's mind is getting one over on her... although that's not the only thing on her mind for very long with Donna playing along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[SPOILERS FOR MST3K SEASON TWELVE AND THE 2018 LIVE SHOWS}**
> 
> uh yeah hi I do realize that all we have of Donna as of yet is the two MST3K Live 2018 shows, but I saw both of them, and uhhhh.... this was inevitable and it will be jossed in like four weeks so enjoy it while it's fresh

"Donna! You're back!" Kinga said in surprise when the God Monitor activated to display a smartly-dressed woman with glasses and a riot of curly brown hair standing in what looked like a jungle. "It's been a while." 

"My work is never done," Donna said, and from the baby Bigfoot clinging to her side, Kinga could see that it was nothing but the truth. Donna was petting the baby Bigfoot almost absent-mindedly. "I was actually hoping you could help me. I had a new monster come into my care and it's desperately homesick."

"Homesick for what home?"

"For the Moon," Donna said. "It's a moonbeast. Fascinating creature really, it was actually created by a meteor falling to Earth, but I was called in before it could kill more than a handful of people. The poor thing just can't stand a terrestrial clime any more. I've been keeping him in a vacuum chamber, but that's not sustainable given the construction of the Ark-3."

"So you want to let a moonbeast... run around the Moon?" Kinga crossed her arms and arched a brow, and Donna sighed and pushed her glasses up her nose.

"Well, yes. He won't be happy anywhere else."

" _My_ Moon?"

"I suppose it is your Moon now, isn't it? That is why I contacted you instead of simply letting him free on the surface. I can let him loose on the other side if you prefer, but I can't tell you what his range will be, given that he was captured only fifty miles from where he was created."

"Can I see it?" 

"Oh, of course! Here, let me switch the feed..." Donna reached off-screen, and then the image on the God Monitor split-- Donna and the baby Bigfoot on top, and a truly hideous creature on the bottom... which appeared to be chewing on a Kong toy. "I've been trying to keep his environment enriched while I have him. A bored moonbeast is a destructive moonbeast!"

"He definitely looks right up your alley," Kinga said, and Donna beamed.

"Isn't he wonderful? I'm learning so much from him. It's so rare to find a creature who does poorly in planetary atmosphere. The last one I had was the Luna Mothra, and that was before you came to the Moon."

"I guess you can bring him down... if you'll have dinner with me while you're here," Kinga said.

"Only if you don't try to bring me to that hideous dinosaur barbecue place again."

"Well, you'd never mentioned that you were a vegetarian before then, in my defense."

"I can't believe you tried to serve me something I was attempting to get you to let me take on the Ark-3!"

"I said I was sorry about that! How is that feisty little stegosaurus doing, anyways?"

"Oh, Stewart is doing just fine. Now. He did have some PTSD to work through after I took him, but as the top B-movie monster conservationist, I do have a bit of experience with monster psychology." Donna looked down at the baby Bigfoot, rumpled the long fur at the top of its head, and gave it a gentle nudge to make it trundle off into the trees. "So you'll feed me something that never had a face?"

"I can safely make that promise," Kinga said.

"Oh, should I change? I'm... slightly coated in Bigfoot dander. Are you allergic? If you're allergic to cats you'll probably be allergic."

"Not that I'm aware of."

"All right, I'll be along soon then. Do you mind if I just let him go on my way down, or do you want him on the other side of the Moon?"

"Is he going to wreck my moonbase?"

"Oh, no, not at all. Well, he might mark your dome or your landing pad, but it's harmless, really, moonbeast urine isn't even corrosive."

"Charming," Kinga said dryly. "I think you can just drop him now. I'll see you when you get here." The God Monitor went black, and Kinga put a thoughtful finger to her lips. Gosh, when was the last time she'd seen Donna? It had been a while. She had a tendency to take the Ark-3 out into interplanetary space rather than staying near Earth all the time, which... honestly, Kinga got it. Earth was a disaster. Any smart person was either trying to fix it or get away from it. 

"So... Doctor St. Phibes, huh?" Synthia said, and Kinga jumped. One unexpected side effect of increasing Synthia's intellect had been the commensurate increase in her motor skills, the point being that she now moved like a fucking cat and was constantly sneaking up on people, Kinga especially. "She's nice. Too nice for you."

"Excuse me, you have no idea of the history I have with Donna," Kinga said haughtily, annoyed beyond belief that Synthia was exactly right. "She's got a dark side too, you know."

"Please, her? She's made of rainbows. Total sweetheart. Did you know that she doesn't eat mushrooms either? She's handled too many fungal monsters. There's no way you're going to convince me that she's twisted in the head like you."

"I don't need to convince you of anything except my willingness to hurt you if you don't leave me alone," Kinga said, and Synthia shrugged and walked off to start the gossip economy of the Moon running. Kinga rolled her eyes and went the other way, to figure out what she could offer the vegetarian monster conservationist to entice her.

Donna reached Moon 13 within the hour, and she came over to hug Kinga immediately. "I love my job, but I miss being with people," she sighed, and Kinga didn't bother to fight the urge to bury her nose in Donna's messy curls.

"Hey, want to help me get one over on Synthia?" Kinga breathed into Donna's ear, and Donna snorted a laugh.

"Sure. She pranked me like eight times on tour. What's the scheme?"

"Act like we're in love," Kinga said, and Donna's snort turned into a yelp of laughter. 

"If you want affection, all you have to do is say so." She pulled back and then kissed Kinga just to the side of her lips, eyes bright with amusement behind her glasses when she looked past Kinga to find only a couple of Boneheads. "Oh, I got a jump on it."

"Come on," Kinga said, looping her arm through Donna's to lead her through Moon 13. "I heard that you don't eat mushrooms, either?"

"Fungal networks can think," Donna said, using her free hand to start illustrating her words with gestures that didn't seem to match what she was saying. "Entire forests can be connected through the mycorrhizal networks permeating the soil, carrying nutrients from one plant to another, sending chemical signals... it's really quite fascinating how the nature of a mycorrhizal network expresses itself within the much smaller and more contained body of a fungus monster."

"I bet," Kinga said. "Well, that means the portabello burger's a no-go. Pretty much your options are salads, side dishes, and sweets."

"I'll take the sweets," Donna said. "Please and thank you. I spend all my time baking monster treats and none of it baking monster conservationist treats. Give me cake for dinner and I won't be pretending I love you."

"You're food-motivated," Kinga said, and Donna cracked a smile. 

"Please, I'm treat-motivated. It doesn't have to be food, it just has to be nice."

"How about alcohol?"

"Depends on what you've got..."

"We've got a brewer on the Moon now. I remember you being a white wine woman?"

"I really hope you're not pranking me too."

"Give me a little credit!" 

"If I remember correctly, giving you a little credit results in you taking a lot of credit you haven't earned," Donna said dryly as Kinga lead her into the Moon 13 cafeteria and through to the kitchen. Donna gawked a bit at the Boneheads sitting around eating dinner as they walked past them, and offered a polite smile to the Bonehead in charge of the kitchen.

"Hey Ed, what's on the dessert menu tonight?" Kinga asked, and the head chef Bonehead pulled off his oven mitts and started pointing.

"We've got mint chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cupcakes with strawberry frosting, chocolate pudding pie, berry parfait, and of course the usual chocolate chip and snickerdoodle cookies."

"Oh my," Donna said, looking starry-eyed. "I'll have one of everything, please."

"Anything for a friend of Kinga," Ed said, more out of self-preservation than loyalty, and started pulling together a dessert plate for her. "And what's Her She-vilness having tonight?"

"Just give me a couple of snickerdoodles," Kinga said. What she really wanted was a burger, but she wasn't about to chow down on medium-rare ground dino with Donna sitting across the table from her. She stole a bottle of Cherry's white wine from the walk-in fridge, and then they took their sweets out to the cafeteria and found a table not far from where Synthia, Terry, and Max were sharing dinner. Donna glanced at them, smirked a little, and reached across the table to take Kinga's hand when they sat down.

"Thanks, dear," she said, and pulled Kinga's hand up to kiss it. Kinga tried not to laugh at the very obvious double-take Synthia and Max both made at the sight. Donna started dinner with the cookies, and Kinga propped her head on her hand and watched Donna eat with a dreamy look that was only half an act. "So, how have things been going with you? Last time I saw you in person, you hadn't even caught a test subject yet."

"Oh, they're great! The show's going fantastic, we've got sky high ratings. Well, you should know how well it's going, you were on the tour."

"So many people showed up! It was thrilling. I was delighted to have a venue to show off some of my creatures." Kinga poured Donna a glass of wine and Donna smiled at her over the rim of the glass before taking a sip. "Oh! This is very good."

"It's also super alcoholic, just to warn you." Kinga poured herself a similarly hearty glass. 

"As if that would dissuade me." 

"I said warn, not dissuade. But I won't send you back up to the Ark-3 if you're plastered. You'd try to cuddle a kaiju and get your head bitten off."

"That sounds like me," Donna agreed, and leaned in with a smirk. "Guess you'll just have to keep an eye on me until tomorrow."

"I will have to keep an eye on you, or you'll go down to Moon 14 and rile up my dinos." Kinga took a sip of her wine as Donna sighed.

"I wish you'd let me take them. Dinosaurs are meant to roam freely, not to be flame broiled and served with fries."

"We're just going to have to agree to disagree about this." 

"Oh my goodness, have you tried this?" Donna had a blissful look on her face after the first taste of the berry trifle, and she collected a bite on her fork and held it out to Kinga. "It's so good." Kinga leaned forward to accept the taste, and a sudden flurry of whispering sounded from Synthia's table. She only had to glance over to find Synthia looking confused and Max looking disheartened, and hid her smirk behind one hand as she chewed.

"Oh, that is good."

"You're lucky if you get this sort of thing whenever you want it. It's a luxury to me." 

"More reason for you to visit me again." Donna looked at Kinga over the rims of her glasses and smiled, and Kinga added, "If my sterling company isn't reason enough."

"Sterling," Donna echoed with a laugh. "That's a bold word to apply to yourself."

"What word would you use?" Casting her gaze thoughtfully upward, Donna sipped her wine slowly and then put it down with a smile.

"I don't know... instigating? Or maybe provocative."

"My provocative company?" Kinga fluttered her lashes, and Donna went a little bit pink.

"I stand by the word," she insisted, but turned her eyes back on her trifle. "Oh, incorrigible, that's another applicable one."

"Gosh, this just keeps getting better and better. I suppose your company qualifies as sterling. You altruist."

"I'm an upstanding citizen," Donna insisted, and Kinga smirked.

"Citizen of what?"

"Of my own little ship full of monsters, naturally."

"You're not a citizen of the Ark-3, you're the indisputable ruler of it."

"Does that make this a head of state visit?"

"Only after you pick a title. I'm the Queen of Moon 13, obviously."

"Hmm. Does it have to be a real title? I'm the movie monster matriarch."

"I'll allow it," Kinga said, and Donna beamed at her.

"I'm sure diplomacy would go more smoothly if it was always accompanied by wine and sweets and beautiful women." Kinga arched a brow, and Donna leaned forward slightly with a smirk. "Of course, it would go more smoothly if it was just left to women, full stop, regardless of how attractive they are."

"But you called me beautiful."

"And you are, dear," Donna chirped, reaching up to cup Kinga's cheek with a wink in the eye that Synthia couldn't see. Something clattered to the floor from that table, and Kinga hid her laugh by turning to kiss Donna's palm.

"Thanks babe. More wine?"

"Only if you take me somewhere nicer than this," Donna said, and patted her lips with a napkin. "No offense to your dining hall." 

"None taken. Come on, I have a place in mind," Kinga said, grabbing her glass and the bottle and beaming at Donna-- or maybe at the gobsmacked faces behind Donna. Donna turned to wiggle her fingers at Synthia before snagging her glass and following Kinga out of the door. As soon as it shut behind them Donna started giggling with a snort thrown in every few giggles, and Kinga cracked a moment later. "Oh my god, did you see his _face_?"

"His? I was looking at hers. Wait, I thought we were pranking Synthia."

"It was a twofer," Kinga said. "That's going to spread through the whole moon base in about four hours, the way gossip gets around here."

"Oh, so now I'll be notorious?"

"Notorious is for people like me. It's famous for people like you."

"Of course, how silly of me," Donna said, rolling her eyes. "I didn't realize I was going to have my reputation ta--mm. Linked to yours."

"Were you about to say tarnished?"

"Yes, I was."

"That's totally fair," Kinga said with a laugh, and lead Donna into an elevator. "Anyways, sterling is the anti-tarnish. You'll be fine."

"That--" Donna lifted a finger, opened her mouth, furrowed her brow, and then poked Kinga with her finger. "That's not the meaning of sterling! Didn't you take a single metallurgy class?"

"Why did _you_ take a metallurgy class if you're a biologist?"

"It was a gen ed, I wanted to cast my own jewelry! You're wrong, anyways. Stainless is anti-tarnish. Sterling refers to purity."

"Then you were definitely correct in objecting to me applying it to myself," Kinga said, and caught a finger in one of Donna's lab coat pockets to pull her closer. "So can I get you to keep acting like we're in love without eyes on us?"

"Darling, you did exactly what I said to get it to not be pretending. And I'm the one who suggested we change venue. You are bringing me to your room, right? Should I have implied that more strongly?"

"Your message came through clearly." 

"Oh good. Because I demand cuddles at the very least and I doubt you'll keep me to the very least."


	19. 21+22: midnight kiss + blindfolded kiss (Max/Jonah, Mature)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not a totally conventional relationship, but neither of them are totally conventional people. Max doesn't mind when Jonah plays with other people, but it's more fun when they're playing together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sequel to [Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085481) and brings Joel into the kink party scene with his fun techy toys.

Max was usually content to listen to what people had to say on nearly any topic. Realizing that he wanted to talk came as a surprise. Realizing that he wanted to talk about his adorable, wonderful boyfriend who was currently off doing some kinky thing or another with a person who wasn't him startled him so much that he lost track of what the person currently talking to him was saying.

"...Max?" Synthia lifted her head from Max's shoulder and gave him a puzzled look. "Are you okay tonight? You're barely responding. Am I boring you?"

"No! Of course not, I'm so sorry. My mind's been wandering lately, I promise you're not boring me, this is a me problem."

"Oh yeah? Well, hang on a second, I think I know what to do here..." Synthia flopped back into the pillow pile and tugged on Max's arm until he was the one cuddled up to her chest for a change. "What's on your mind, my friend?"

"Oh, no, I can't--" He didn't really want to turn her offer down, but his therapist instincts were screaming that this wasn't the role he got to play in conversations like these. 

"Come on, you keep enough of my secrets, I can keep one for you." 

"I'm just... thinking about Jonah." 

"Oh-ho, no wonder you're off in outer space." Synthia ran her fingers through Max's hair and he almost swore. His frequent cuddle buddies had picked up all his tricks, and they were just as effective turned on him. "So is this daydream type thinking or worry type thinking?"

"Both? Both. Daydreams that are also worries."

"Do you know where he is now?"

"No. He wasn't sure who was here when he left this room at the start of the night."

"Well, I can make an educated guess or two given who I've seen here already. I know Gypsum wanted his help at the suspension station, and Joel brought his violet wands tonight."

"I didn't know Joel made it tonight. I should go say hi."

"By say hi you totally mean watch him play with your boyfriend, right?"

"Uh... yes."

"No judgment from me. God knows I like watching Terry play with other people."

"I just didn't want to leave if there were people waiting for me."

"Max, honey, you know you're allowed to do things for your own benefit and not just for the benefit of other people while you're here, right?" Max sighed and thunked his head into Synthia's shoulder, and she laughed. "Seriously. You forget the purpose of these events. You're so focused on meeting other people's needs that you ignore your own."

"You can stop calling me out now, I get the point."

"Do you? Then get your butt up out of these pillows and go perv on your partner while he's playing," Synthia said, giving him a nudge until he sat up. "Also? I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy. You've been smiling a lot more since the two of you got together. It's nice to see."

"He does make me happy," Max said, fumbling through his bag for his glasses and pushing them up his nose when he put them on. "Ridiculously happy. Like, 'dear diary, I think he's the one' kind of happy."

"Good! You deserve that. He's a return on your good karma."

"Oh, I don't know about that."

"Trust me. You do more good than you even know about." She climbed out of the pillow pile after him, stood up, and cracked her back with three loud pops. "Mm. All right, tiger, go get him."

Max didn't tend to spend much time wandering around during Impression. He'd been doing more of it in the months since he and Jonah had taken their relationship from cuddle buddies to significant others, almost always with the intention of finding Jonah in the middle of a scene with someone else, and what he'd learned was that Jonah was sensation-seeking, always looking for something to feel that rode the line between interesting and painful. He didn't like pain for its own sake and stayed away from the harder kinks, but Max had caught him in two temperature play scenes, a textures scene, a kitten play scene where Jonah was playing the part of scratching post, and now here he was with Joel, animatedly discussing the technical specifications of Joel's electric play toys until he caught sight of Max and lit up like a Christmas tree.

"I didn't know you were leaving the cuddle lair," Jonah said, and Max smiled.

"Neither did I."

"Hey, I don't know what you did to this poor kid, but he's smitten with you," Joel said, the hint of a laugh in his voice. 

"What I did to this poor kid? You should be wondering what this poor kid did to me," Max said, and Joel arched a brow.

"He got you out of the pillow pile. Must be serious, whatever it was."

"I'd say it's serious," Jonah said, and he took off his glasses and handed them to Max. "Watch these for me?"

"I can do that." Jonah leaned down to steal a kiss, then turned back to Joel with a smile.

"Are we ready?"

"You never said whether you wanted the blindfold or not." Max inhaled sharply, and Jonah's smile widened.

"Let's go with it this time." 

"Sure thing." Jonah sat on the edge of the padded bench and Joel tied a strip of soft, dark fabric over his eyes before he laid back. Then Joel reached for a glass-tipped wand and flipped the switch, sending shivers of violet light through the device that reached through the glass to dance over Jonah's skin when he brought it close. At first he skimmed it up the back of Jonah's arm and left the hair standing up in its wake as Jonah's fingers twitched. "How's that? Too high?"

"You could turn it up a notch," Jonah said. "It's just a tickle now."

"Yeah, I couldn't remember your tolerance level. You're tougher than you look."

"Are you saying that I don't look tough?" 

"Not with that adorable pout on your face, you don't," Joel pointed out, and Jonah pouted a little harder. "Aw, c'mon, you're totally tough. Here, how's this?" He turned the wand up and ran it over the same path. This time Jonah's hand curled into a fist and he made a soft involuntary sound. "There we go, that's more like it. Good?"

"This is good, yeah." 

"Let me know if you want me to do anything differently," Joel said, and guided the wand over Jonah's upper arm, sending electricity across his penguin tattoo, and along his collarbone. Jonah shivered and bit his lip, and Joel shot an amused look at Max when he heard Max squeak. "So uh, how long have the two of you been a thing? I didn't think I was gone for that long."

"Well, I haven't seen you in four months," Jonah said, "and we were being discreet about it before that."

"I guess Max would know from discreet," Joel said, and circled the wand over Jonah's nipple just to watch him jump as it peaked in the current of light running through his skin. "You know, good for both of you. I wouldn't have called it, but you make a cute couple." He traced the wand down Jonah's ribs on one side and up them on the other side and Jonah flinched and giggled. 

"We get that a lot," Max said dryly, reaching out for Jonah before he caught himself and lowered his hand. It wasn't nice to interrupt a scene, regardless of how goddamn adorable his boyfriend was in the middle of it. Joel noted the abortive action with a smirk and drew a spiral over Jonah's abs in flickering violet light that made his whole lanky body twitch. 

"It's, uh... it's definitely not what I expected when I started coming to Impression, but it's way better than anything I did expect," Jonah said, wrapping his hands around the edges of the bench he was lying on when Joel guided the wand over the side of his hip. "Oh, could you maybe do that again?"

"What, this?"  Joel focused the wand on the crest of Jonah's hip and wiggled it back and forth a little,  and Jonah whimpered and tossed his head.

"Yeah, that," he agreed breathlessly. Max had pressed a hand to his own mouth, gone wide-eyed over it, and Joel smirked a little more and motioned him over. Wordlessly, Joel offered the wand to Max, who very hesitantly closed his hand around it. Joel patted him on the back and leaned in to murmur into his ear.

"Just don't keep it on one place too long," Joel advised, "or you might burn him. Go on, you look like a kid in a candy store." Max gave him an uncertain look, and Joel smiled. "Don't worry, I'm right here keeping an eye on things." 

"Did you get bored with me?" Jonah asked after a moment of not feeling anything. "Where'd you go?"

"Be patient, honey," Joel said, trying not to laugh. "Kids these days, ten second attention span." He pointed at Jonah's other hip and made a  _get on with it_  motion,  and Max flushed pink and guided the violet wand over Jonah's hip slowly, fascinated by the crackle of purple light playing over pale skin and yellow fabric when he crossed the line of Jonah's shorts.

"Mmm..." Jonah's pleased sigh and the way he canted his hip into the electric touch made Max's gaze sharpen, and he fought the urge to touch Jonah with his free hand. He could use his voice, though, and he did as he played the wand over the inside of one of Jonah's thighs.

"You're so into this..." Jonah turned his head to the sound of Max's voice, smiling slightly even while his leg twitched.

"Yeah, I'm-- I was the kind of kid who licked batteries," he admitted, and Joel let out a snort of laughter. 

"Figures. You have no idea how many people who play with me on nights I bring these say that." 

"Hey, who knows where people develop their kinks," Max said. "Sexuality is complex."

"I'm just a tech junkie," Jonah said, and his toes curled when Max played the wand all the way down one leg. "Ah! Not the feet, please."

"Sorry," Joel said, and rolled his eyes at Max with a clear undertone of  _novice_ in his eyes. Max bit his lip and moved the wand to Jonah's other leg, drawing a wobbly pattern from his ankle up to his hip and pulling an equally wobbly moan from Jonah's throat. Curiously, he guided it over the significant bulge in those yellow shorts, and Jonah yelped and half sat up.

"Uh? You don't usually--"

"Sorry, that was me," Max said. "Was that bad?"

"N-no, that wasn't bad at all, it's just not what I was expecting," Jonah breathed, but he relaxed as soon as he heard Max's voice. "If I knew  _you_  wanted to play with me..."

"Oh, Jonah, sweetheart, I always want to play with you."

"Then why don't you do it more often?" Max paused, and Joel snorted silently and shook his head. "I thought you were just a voyeur, not that you actually wanted to step in when you watch me during scenes."

"I  _am_  a voyeur, but watching you on these nights always leaves me wishing I'd taken a more participatory role," Max admitted, leaning down to brush his lips over Jonah's. He didn't expect Jonah to dig his fingers through silvered curls to hold him in place, kissing him back much more thoroughly before stroking his hand down the back of Max's neck.

"Well, you've got twenty-nine other nights in any given month to put that to use," Jonah said, reaching up to pull his blindfold off and blink nearsightedly and adoringly up at Max. "Not with  _this_ , given..."

"I mean, if you want to borrow it, you could ask me," Joel said easily. "Since I'm not using it most of the month either."

"Oh,  _could_ we?" Jonah tipped his head back to look at Joel, looking far too excited by the prospect. "I promise we'll be careful with it. Max is very responsible."

"And you're not?" Joel asked with amusement.

"Jonah's very responsible too," Max said loyally, handing Jonah his glasses and watching him push them on, "but given that he wouldn't be the one handling the equipment, that's slightly less relevant information."

"Oh, who says I wouldn't? Unless you're super not into it," Jonah said. 

"Excuse me," someone interrupted them, and all three of them looked over to find Gypsum standing there with her arms crossed over a new and interesting rope harness pattern. "If you're all going to stand around chit-chatting and not using the gear, think you could let the next person in line in? That being me?"

"Sorry, G," Jonah said, sitting up all the way and putting his feet on the floor. "Let me get out of your way." Joel reclaimed the wand from Max's hands and waved him out of the scene space.

"Go on, you crazy kids. Come back at the end of the night if you actually want to take it home with you, okay?"

"What, you're not coming to the cuddle puddle?" Max sounded disappointed. "After being gone for four months?"

"Sorry, I have other plans tonight," Joel said. "Since I've been gone for four months, and all."

"Next month?"

"Next month. Promise."

"What about you, Gyps?" Jonah asked, and she flashed him a thumbs up.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world. Midnight, right?"

"You got it," Max said, and he laced his fingers through Jonah's and gave him a tug. "Have fun!"

"Are you co-opting me until the cuddle puddle?" Jonah asked as Max pulled him along to the pillow nest room, and Max glanced up at him.

"If by co-opting you you mean taking loving advantage of you, then yes. Unless you object to me getting you off."

"Uh, no, object is the opposite of what I do to you getting me off."

"Good. Cause we've got about thirty minutes until the cuddle puddle and I'd like to spend most of that time with my mouth around your cock."

"You better set an alarm or someone's going to walk in on us," Jonah said a little weakly, and Max smirked.

"Fun fact... this door actually locks."

"No kidding?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"You haven't yet."

"And I don't plan on doing it at any point," Max said, and locked the door behind them. "Now, get comfortable..." He took off his glasses, folded them, and put them back in his bag, then turned back to Jonah, grinning when he found his extra-tall boyfriend already sprawled out over the pillows. "God, you're cute."

"If I'm cute, then what are you?"

"Madly in love with you," Max said, "and very eager to prove it." Jonah giggled when Max kissed his thigh just below where his shorts ended and spread his legs a little wider, shivering when Max palmed him gently before starting to pull those shorts out of his way.

"I love you too," Jonah breathed, and didn't have anything coherent left to say after that until Max was done having his not-very-wicked way with him.


	20. 23: "melt into you" smooch (Kinga/Jonah, mature)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinga's got something specific in mind for the next Impression night. Rushing through negotiation is to no one's benefit, though. And making sure everyone who's important gets a say is vital when you're managing multiple people's needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's another chapter of [Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085481), posted here for smooch cohesion

"Hey. Jonah." There was a tap low on his back, and Jonah turned to find Kinga behind him. Impression had just opened for the night; no one had even had a chance to disrobe yet. Kinga was wearing a black peacoat and huge fuck-off boots that still didn't let her clear Jonah's shoulders.   
  
"Oh! You came back!"  
  
"You did say you wouldn't mind seeing me again."  
  
"And I meant it." When Jonah turned back to Crow, his former conversational partner was nowhere to be found. Well, Kinga had pretty thoroughly removed herself from Crow's esteem last month, her first night at Impression being all she needed to completely blow up Crow's spot regarding his crush on Jonah. Kinga snorted when he turned back to her.  
  
"You're still talking to him?"  
  
"Uh, yes? We're good friends."  
  
"Yeah, that's not all he wants to be to you."  
  
"Okay, so? That doesn't negate our friendship." He pushed his glasses up and tilted his head at her. "Did you need me or were you just scaring him off for your own enjoyment?"  
  
"I did enjoy it, but I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"What's up?" Kinga hesitated for a second, then lifted her chin.  
  
"I wanted to try something tonight. I was wondering if you'd play with me."  
  
"What's the thing you want to try?" he asked suspiciously. She reached into her purse and slid a headband with pointed calico ears on.  
  
"Kitten play." Jonah's brows shot up and he smirked.  
  
"Weren't you the one who was so dismissive of cute and cuddly kinks last month?"  
  
"I'm not planning on it being totally cute and cuddly," she said, holding up one hand with flawlessly manicured pointed nails. "I just got these done today and I was hoping you'd let me use them on you." He took her hand and ran a fingertip over her nails, and then smirked a little harder.  
  
"You can use me as a scratching post if I get to pet you first."  
  
"Deal." She laced her fingers through his and pulled him. "Come on, let's ditch the clothes and find a good place for this." He pulled her in the other direction and she let him lead her to the cuddle lair, which was empty when they arrived. "This place again."  
  
"It's a good place to leave our stuff," Jonah said. "And a good place to be, just in general. I don't think Max will mind, he won't be here for a while yet cause he's running late tonight." He unzipped his hoodie and shrugged it off, then folded it neatly. Kinga rolled her eyes but took off her peacoat and bent over to start unlacing her boots, wiggling a little as she got them off. Jonah kept his back politely turned while they disrobed, until she tapped him on the back again and he turned around to find her wearing nothing but the cat ears and a pair of black panties with a calico tail pinned to them.   
  
"Put this on me," she said, holding out a purple velvet ribbon with a silver bell attached to it, and Jonah ran his thumb over the pleasant texture of it as he held it up to look at it.  
  
"That seems a bit serious." She rolled her eyes and huffed.  
  
"It's not a  _collaring_ , for fuck's sake. You're not going to be responsible for me or anything. It's just for fun. I can put it on myself if you're going to be weird about it."  
  
"No, I was mostly joking. Come here..." Just out of curiosity, he put his hand around her throat, and her lashes fluttered.  
  
"Now  _that's_  a bit serious," she purred, tilting her head back and pressing forward into his touch. "God, your hands are huge. If I keep showing up to these I'm definitely going to have you put them around my throat for far more serious than this."  
  
"I'm not really into that," Jonah said, stroking the side of her neck with his fingertips before he gently fastened the ribbon around it.   
  
"No? That's a shame." She tossed her head and the bell jingled. Her nails pressed delicately into his chest as she put both hands on him and looked up at him with a smile. "Meow," she said, and he laughed.  
  
"Good kitty," he said, and she showed her teeth in what was clearly not meant to be a smile any more. "Evil kitty?" She headbutted his chest, and he dug a hand into her hair and scratched behind the headband's ears. "I can deal with evil kitty." He sat down in the pillow pile and Kinga curled up on his lap, purring gently as he stroked all the way down her back and teased her right above her velvety tail. "So is this the kind of kitten play where you sass me or the kind where you want me to tell you that you're a pretty kitty?" She kneaded his thigh with both hands, the prick of her nails barely dulled where two of them dug in where his boxer-briefs covered his leg, and he tugged her hair, not hard. "Hey, I said you had to wait to scratch me. Come here, sit up. I'd like to negotiate this more."  
  
"Oh, fine," she sighed, but when she sat up she did so straddling his thighs. The bell jingled as she tossed her head and stared at him.  
  
"I'm sorry if I wasn't being clear when I said that I wanted to pet you first. I had more of an extensive cuddle in mind."  
  
"I told you I wasn't thinking cute and cuddly." She hesitated a second, then put  her hands against his chest lightly. "But you said cuddling was a trust thing last time."  
  
"Yes, I did," Jonah said, eyes widening.   
  
"And we didn't actually cuddle each other last time."  
  
"No, we didn't."  
  
"I don't want you to be right when you call me a bad play partner."  
  
"You're not a bad play partner, you just rush into things."  
  
"Yeah. Sorry, I am... really new at this... whole scene thing."  
  
"It's okay. Negotiation's supposed to be the first step, we just jumped the gun a little. I'd just like to snuggle for a little while before you get your claws into me. And please don't like, maul me? Leaving a few scratch marks is okay but don't wound me."  
  
"I'll take it easy on you," she said. "I want you to want to do this again."   
  
"This would have to go disastrously wrong for me to not want to." Jonah re-settled himself in the pillow pile and held his arms open. "So... you never answered me what kind of kitten play this is."  
  
"Let's start with you telling me I'm a pretty kitty and see where it goes from there," she suggested, stretching out fully atop him and rubbing her smooth cheek against his scruffy one. As soon as he wrapped his arms around her, she melted into him with a sigh.  
  
"You are an absolutely beautiful kitten," Jonah murmured into her ear. "You've got the most gorgeous green cat's-eyes, the softest ginger fur..." He ran his fingers through her hair and she started to purr. "The most dangerous claws on your cute little kitten mittens," he added playfully, and she pressed her nails against his ribs in warning. "That was a compliment, not an invitation."  
  
"Hmph." Kinga moved her hands to his shoulders, doing something that was about sixty percent kneading and forty percent backrub, and Jonah hummed appreciatively, sweeping one hand slowly up and down her back.   
  
"That's nice. Good kitty." Jonah closed his eyes and inhaled with his nose pressed into her hair, one hand curled over the back of her neck that fell away as she pulled back. He opened his eyes with a question on his lips only to find her a breath away from claiming them, and he let her kiss him once just to see how she'd do it, whether she'd be bratty or sweet about it. She tasted like a caramel macchiato, and she scraped her teeth over his lip without actually biting. "Kinga..."   
  
"Sorry," she said, and pulled back wide-eyed and pink-cheeked, bell jingling sharply. "I shouldn't-- I should've asked. Sorry."   
  
"Yes, you should have."  
  
"Would you have let me?"  
  
"Yes, if you'd actually asked."   
  
"...can I do it again?" He leaned up to kiss her instead of answering, and she buried both hands in his hair and scratched gently with her pointed nails.  
  
"You are  _not_  trustworthy," Jonah whimpered. "But you are very interesting." She gave him a cat-that-ate-the-canary smirk and kept scratching until he flopped back into the pillows and brought her with him. "How much kissing are you looking for here?"  
  
"How much more cuddling are you looking for here?" she shot back.  
  
"A few minutes, maybe?"  
  
"One kiss now and one more before I scratch you."  
  
"Sounds good." This kiss was the best yet, with both of them on the same page, and Kinga pressed her lips to his scruffy cheek on her way to put her head on his shoulder and settle in to be snuggly. She sighed deeply into the bend of his neck. "I kinda wish you were into the cuddling for its own sake, but I'll take what I can get," he said into her hair, and she snorted.   
  
"I might not be totally dismissive of the cuddling," she murmured as he resumed stroking her back. "You're comfy to curl up on. I-- mmm." She cut herself off by pushing her face against his neck, and his hand paused for a moment and then resumed petting her.  
  
"You what?"  
  
"I like you," she mumbled. "You've been really nice to me. I like the way you hold me."  
  
"Oh." He hugged her a little tighter and kissed the top of her head. "Well, I like holding you."  
  
"Do you-- no, nevermind."  
  
"What?"  
  
"What's the deal with you and Max? I couldn't figure that out last month."  
  
"Oh, uh, we're-- we're dating now, he's my boyfriend."  
  
"So you're exclusive?"  
  
"I mean, we're both allowed to play with other people. I think he likes it when I do, actually."  
  
"Yeah, but..." She huffed into his neck and then lifted her head to look at him. "What if I wanted you to fuck me?"  
  
"I, uh--" Jonah blinked. "Do you? Want me to?"  
  
"I mean, the whole reason I came to this thing was to get laid without having to resort to Tinder." Her eyes narrowed. "Unless you're not into women like that. I have only seen you playing with other men."  
  
"I'm bi, for the record." He studied her expression carefully, then shrugged. "We didn't discuss that. I'd have to ask him how he felt about it."  
  
"Oh."   
  
"But I will ask him. If you want me to."  
  
"Yeah. If you could."   
  
"I will, then."   
  
"Okay. Cool." She leaned in slowly, and he leaned up to meet her halfway in a kiss that ended with them both melted, Jonah into the pillows and Kinga into Jonah, languid and affectionate. She purred and nuzzled the side of his throat. "Can I scratch you now?"  
  
"Yeah, sure thing." Jonah didn't stop stroking her back until she sat next to him instead of on top of him, and then he sat up. "How do you want me? Sitting or facedown or standing or--"  
  
"Sitting's fine," she said. "Just turn around." He did as he was told, and quickly felt the prick of her nails on his shoulders as she lined her claws up. "Ready?" He nodded, and she slowly dragged her nails all the way down his broad back, from the nape of his neck to the waist of his boxer-briefs. A whole-body tremor ran through him, and he made a breathy sound that was distinctly not one of pain. "Yeah?"  
  
"Definitely yeah."  
  
"Good." She started to purr again, tracing her nails back up to where she'd begun and setting her hands more widely spaced before raking them down at a languorous pace.  
  
"Mmm." Jonah's head fell forward with his pleased hum, and then snapped back up when the door to the cuddle lair opened to admit Max into his domain. He paused in the doorway, took in the scene, and then stepped inside and closed the door behind him.  
  
"That explains why I couldn't find you," Max said cheerfully, setting down his messenger bag and shrugging off his coat off to one side of the room. "Don't stop on my account." Kinga looked at him for a long moment, and he smiled at her. "You make a very cute kitten."   
  
"Prrrr," she said with a smirk, and set her hands on Jonah's shoulders again. Jonah looked up at Max and his eyes went wide when Kinga clawed her way down either side of his spine. Max turned pink at the pleased whimper that escaped Jonah,  and when he kicked out of his shoes and pulled off his sweater he settled in the pillows near but apart from Kinga and Jonah, watching with keen interest as Kinga left pink stripes down the length of Jonah's back.  
  
"Oh," Jonah said, and he reached out a hand to Max, who took it instantly. "Kinga wanted me to ask if you'd be okay with me being more intimate with her while I'm dating you."  
  
"More intimate like also dating her, or more intimate like having sex with her?" It seemed like a simple question, but Kinga's claws left Jonah's skin and both men ended up blinking at her for an answer.  
  
"I don't-- I'm not polyamorous," she said. "I don't want to  _date_  you, I just think you'll be good in the sack, okay? I'm not looking for a commitment. I'm looking for a fun time with someone who seems trustworthy," She seemed shaken by the question that had been posed. Max studied her and then shrugged.  
  
"If the two of you want to have sex, go for it. Just don't try to steal him from me, please, I'm very fond of him and would like to keep him." Kinga lit up, and Max added, "And not in the pillow pile, please. The cuddle lair is not a place for fluid exchange. And be safe, please."  
  
"We can do that," Jonah said, pulling Max's hand up to kiss the back of it. "Thanks, Max."  
  
"Thank me by spilling the details once you've done the deed," Max said. "You know I like to hear about you playing with other people."  
  
"I know you like  _watching_  me playing with other people," Jonah said, and Kinga snorted and leaned against his back to hook her chin over his shoulder.  
  
"I'd rather not have an audience for that," she said.  
  
"I figured," Max said. "You don't give off the exhibitionist vibe, really. Not the way he does, anyways. I'm fine with just hearing about it. Do you mind me watching this?"  
  
"No, this is all right," Kinga said, and she sat back to run her hands softly over Jonah's back, noticing the pattern of the pink lines she'd left all over his skin. "Jonah? How're you feeling about it?"  
  
"I've almost had enough," he said. "But actually, I have an itch right between my shoulder blades..." She scratched the area and he sighed in relief. "Yeah, right there. Thanks, kitten." She purred again and bumped his shoulder with her forehead, and then gave him one last good top-to-bottom scratch that left him gasping. "Okay, that's-- that's good. I'm done now." He flopped forward into the pillow pile, and Max leaned forward a little to inspect the marks Kinga had left on his boyfriend.  
  
"Good control," he said, and Kinga grinned, surprised by the compliment. "Are you up for cuddling tonight, or is that not on your agenda?"  
  
"I already cuddled with him," she said, "but I was... kind of looking forward to talking to you again?"  
  
"Sure thing," Max said. He caressed Jonah's back gently. "Jonah, honey, you okay?"  
  
"I'm marvelous," Jonah said, pushing himself back up into a sitting position. "Am I being evicted for pillow talk therapy?"  
  
"Sorry," Kinga said. "Go play with someone else for a little while, I'm afraid I need Max for a bit." Jonah leaned over to kiss Max first, then turned and smooched Kinga on her forehead before he got up.   
  
"Don't talk about me too much while I'm gone," he said, and made his exit. Max gave Kinga a level, expectant look, and she flushed slightly.  
  
"I'm gonna talk about him a little bit," she said, and he huffed a laugh.  
  
"You just asked my permission to fuck my boyfriend, I wasn't going to let you get away with not talking about him." She flushed darker, and he waved her over. "Come on, come over here. So you've joined the Jonah Admiration Society, huh? That shows good taste on your part." She prowled across the pillows to cuddle up to Max's side, the bell on her collar jingling, and he started petting her hair as soon as he got an arm around her.  
  
"You're not... mad or unhappy about it or anything?"  
  
"Should I be? I'm not jealous. Jonah's his own person, he can make his own decisions. I'm happy that he took my feelings into account before going ahead and hooking up with you. And I hope the two of you have a good time together."  
  
"He's fun," Kinga said. "And patient with me. Which most people aren't."  
  
"Yeah, that sounds like him."  
  
"And he's really cute."  
  
"He definitely is that."  
  
"I, um... I get very attached to people very quickly," she said softly, and Max's hand hesitated for a second and then settled on the back of her neck.  
  
"Do you want to talk about that?"  
  
"I usually attach to people who are bad for me. Or I'm bad for them. Or both, both happens a lot. But here, I--" She lifted her head to look Max in the eyes. "It'll happen with you too if I keep opening up to you," she said, and he smiled at her.  
  
"Is that a declaration of intent, or a warning?"  
  
"A warning. As much for myself as for you."  
  
"Is it something you don't want to happen?"  
  
"I don't want to be bad for you. Or for Jonah. You're both so nice, and I'm not nice."  
  
"We can take care of ourselves," Max said gently. "Or, more to the point, we can take care of each other, if you turn out to hurt one of us. But I don't want you to get hurt either."  
  
"Oh, I get hurt in every relationship I'm in. I think everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back even when it doesn't make any sense for them to do that. I know you and Jonah are going to talk about me when I'm not around." She dropped her head against his shoulder again and sighed. "It's pathological. Like, I legitimately have a diagnosis."  
  
"I wasn't going to ask, but since you brought it up, I'd rather have you tell me than guess incorrectly."  
  
"I'm borderline as fuck. You probably wouldn't have been wrong."  
  
"No, but it's nice to hear it from you still. You know that being borderline doesn't mean you'll never have a good relationship in your life, right? It's going to take more work than an average person would have to put in, but plenty of borderline folks find love." She snorted in disbelief and shook her head, and Max tipped his head against hers. "I can give you the name of someone who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy, if you like. I'm not super great at it, but Mary's wonderful and I know she'll take you if I recommend you."  
  
"That-- uh... maybe. Maybe later. Remind me tonight? After the cuddle puddle?"  
  
"Oh, will you be coming back for that?"  
  
"Well, yeah. It was kind of awesome last time."  
  
"Sure. I'll remind you later." She sighed and settled against him a little more closely, one arm tight around his waist, and he hummed and squeezed her gently. "So... kitten play, huh? It's cute on you. I wish I had a feather to tease you with."   
  
"Oh  _really_ ," Kinga said. "That has potential, depending on where the feather goes."  
  
"Do you turn everything dirty?"  
  
"I mean... we're at a kink event? But yes anyways, I do all the time."  
  
"I don't even know if you're at all serious or entirely joking."  
  
"About half serious and half joking..."  
  
"Really? Huh. I thought you said you're not polyamorous."  
  
"I said I'm not looking to  _date_  either of you. I don't need to be dating you for you to tease me with feathers. Or anything that might happen after that."  
  
"You're a very provocative person, Kinga." She couldn't tell from his tone of voice whether it was meant as a compliment, and she didn't lift her head from his shoulder until someone knocked on the door to the cuddle lair and poked their head in. It was Tom.  
  
"Oh! Sorry, Max. Synthia said she saw you come in and then Jonah leave, I thought you were alone in here. Hi, Kinga."  
  
"Hi Tom." With a sigh, Kinga sat up and stretched her arms over her head before leaning over to kiss Max's cheek. "I'll see you later, I guess."  
  
"Have fun tonight," Max said.  
  
"Nice tail," Tom said as Kinga passed him. She swayed her hips to make the tail flick before she closed the door behind her. 


	21. 24: lazy kiss (Katrina/Heather)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katrina shows Heather the waterfall on set... and then shows her something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is fanfic for SylaBub's script for her... show? podcast? I don't know what it's going to be but I'm here for it regardless. I made a [headcasting post](https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/108992) for it a couple months ago so you can get an idea of who we're talking about here.

"Wow. If you looked really hard there, I bet you could see all cars that break down and get abandoned on top of mountains." Heather immediately flushed-- how fucking  _inane_ \-- but Katrina actually laughed at her stupid comment.

"Everything breaks down eventually," Katrina said, sounding way more philosophical than Heather thought her stupid observation deserved. "The question is what kind of trace it'll leave behind once it's no good any more." Oh.

"Well, for what it's worth,  _Malwind_  has already left a huge impact on my life," Heather said, looking not at the mountains but at Katrina, who turned to look her in the eyes and smile that heartrending smile Heather had fallen for the first time she'd seen. 

"Thank you, Heather. That... means a lot to me." Heather's breath caught in her throat when Katrina leaned in and pressed a leisurely, lazy kiss at the corner of her lips. "Knowing I've made a difference in your life matters." For a second Heather froze, and two more inane thoughts ran through her mind:  _I just got kissed by **Katrina fucking Princeton**_ and  _I should fling myself over the falls so I can die happy._  

"Oh," she said instead, completely stupidly, and Katrina tilted her head slightly, expecting more of a reaction. "Um, you're-- I'm really glad. That how I feel matters to you." That brilliant smile made a reappearance, and Heather wondered if her heart would ever stop skipping beats when she saw Katrina smile or if she'd just drop dead from how gorgeous she was at some super awkward moment.


	22. 25+26: spiderman kiss + kiss on the knee (Kinga/Jonah/Max)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first eight hours of Katalin's life involve a lot of sleeping through nursing on Kinga's part and a lot of daddy duties split between Max and Jonah. It's an auspicious beginning, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place directly after chapter 2 of [A Cat Named Baby and a Baby Named Kat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16134452). (which... is not finished just yet. sorry.)

* * *

After eighteen hours of labor, all Kinga wanted to do was sleep for a week. She got about three hours of sleep before the baby started to fuss, hungry again, and Max had to wake her up to breastfeed. "I already regret making this decision," Kinga muttered as Katalin latched on, and Max gave her a wry look as he settled on the bed next to her again.

"You don't have to stick with it," he said. "If you want her to be bottle fed, we can start that whenever you're tired of being the sole food source."

"I can't give up this quickly..." She looked down at their daughter and brushed one finger across her plump cheek. "It'll be fine, probably. You know I just like to complain."

"I know you like to sleep, too. No one's going to judge you. Or at least, Jonah and I won't."

"Yeah, well, your opinions are the only ones that matter anyways," she said, closing her eyes and resting her head on Max's shoulder. He tipped his head against hers and closed his eyes too. Jonah's intermittent snoring drowned out the soft gurgles the baby made as she sucked, and Kinga sighed quietly.  "Is it weird that I don't know how I feel right now?"

"No," Max said. "That's not weird at all. Do you not know because it's too many feelings, or do you not know because it's not a feeling?"

"I think it's too many of them. I'm happy but I still want to cry."

"I'd want to cry too if I were in your position. Waking up every three hours is a torture tactic that's not allowed under the Geneva Convention, I think."

"Yeah, but you're waking up with me," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but I wake up when you wake up in the middle of the night already anyways, and I always have."

"That's a fair point."

"I don't mind it, you know. I don't need uninterrupted sleep. And I want you and our little Kat to be as content as you can be." Kinga turned her head to kiss Max's cheek, and he turned to kiss her back. "Do you want anything? A glass of water or--"

"I'm all right." She sounded sleepy, and she nodded off against his shoulder before the baby was done nursing. When Katalin popped off the breast, Max nudged Kinga until she passed the baby to him, and then she curled up to Jonah's back and fell asleep again nearly instantaneously. Max got up and walked around the almost-dark bedroom with their daughter against his shoulder, gently patting the baby's back.

"Come on, kiddo. One little burp and then we can all go back to sleep." It took a couple of minutes for Katalin to get with the picture, which Max unabashedly spent huffing the top of her head and her wispy baby hair. He'd read about New Baby Smell being a thing, but it was even better than advertised. When she did burp, she also spat up all over his shoulder, and he wrinkled his nose. "And so begins the battle between my daughter and my germophobia," he intoned prophetically as he laid her down in her bassinet and covered her with a light blanket, then pulled off his t-shirt and tossed it in the laundry basket before getting back into bed. 

Jonah was the next one to wake up, prompted not by the baby fussing but by his bladder, and he came over to the bassinet to check on Katalin on his way back to bed to find her awake but quiet, baby blue eyes looking up at the mobile hung over her bed. That had been a compromise: Jonah had wanted the mobile to be cute robots, Max wanted it to be fantasy animals like dragons and unicorns, and Kinga wanted it to be real animals, and in the end they'd decided to buy all of them and switch them out every so often. They'd started with the real animals, and Katalin was determinedly lifting her chubby little hands up for the tiger.

"It's a tiger," Jonah said, and when he picked up the baby her chubby little hands reached for his face instead, far too short to make it to his glasses. "A tiger is a kind of cat, and so are you," he added quietly as he brought Katalin out to the living room. Digging one-handed through the toybox they'd been accumulating to find a soft stuffed tiger, he sat down on the couch and used the tiger to kiss his daughter's cheeks. "The tiger loves Kat!" 

The baby gurgled, and Jonah shook his head slightly. Newborns were weird, they couldn't really do anything, not even laugh. And he wasn't sure that Katalin would even find him funny. Who knew how much of what he was saying was even making it through to her? He still wasn't going to use a corny baby talk voice with her, though. "The tiger loves Kat, and so do Papa and Mama and Dada." Katalin caught the tiger with one hand and yanked it, and Jonah's brows shot up. "Hey, you've got a grip for someone who was born this morning."

The sun was up, if only barely, and Jonah had meant to go back to bed for at least a couple more hours, but for someone who couldn't do anything, Katalin was surprisingly interesting. Her eyes would follow the tiger toy when he moved it, so he danced it around and made up a story, and if the story involved the tiger eating a baby up, well, she was one day old and wouldn't remember it. When she lost interest in the toy and started to cry, Jonah changed her diaper and she tipped back into contentment when he picked her up from the changing table.

"There they are," Max said, and Jonah tilted his head back to watch his husband approach the couch and bend to give him an upside-down kiss over the back of it. "Morning. How long have you been up?"

"I don't know, maybe an hour? Probably less than an hour." Max came around the couch to sit next to Jonah and Katalin, and he picked up the tiger toy with a smile. 

"I thought we weren't going to confuse her with Kat and cats."

"That's a lost cause, and she likes the tiger."

"Is that true? Are you already a big cat enthusiast?" Max made the tiger kiss her round cheek, and Kat waved her hands around. "Gosh, she's cute. And you're cute holding her," he added, making the tiger kiss Jonah's cheek as well. Jonah pursed his lips expectantly until Max gave him a proper kiss, and then he smiled.

"Cuteness is a transitive property."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. That's why pictures of the three of us together get called cute so much. You're extending your cuteness to me and Kinga."

"That sounds fake, but okay," Max said, and Kat kicked her legs and wiggled until he caught her feet between his fingers and bent down to blow a raspberry into her fat little leg, kissing her knee before he sat up again. "But we're really not going to be able to avoid being called cute now."

"Since when are we trying to avoid it? I thought we were rejoicing in it. We're the cutest world leaders."

"I thought Kinga was aiming for hottest world leaders."

"We're both," Jonah said. "I'm pretty sure we're both." Katalin started to fuss again, and Max watched her wriggle in Jonah's arms for a moment before he held out his arms to take her.

"She's hungry. I'll bring her to Kinga."

"How can you tell?"

"Look at her mouth, she wants something to latch onto. We're not supposed to give her a pacifier when she does this, we're supposed to feed her before the fussing becomes crying."

"Makes sense," Jonah said, and gave Max another kiss before standing up with the baby still in his arms. "I'll brave Kinga's wrath this time."

"Okay, but make sure you burp Kat before you put her back in the bassinet after she's done nursing. You want breakfast?"

"No, I'm going to sleep a little more. I only got up because Kat was awake."

"That's fair. I guess I'll peek in and check on you all every now and then, cause I'm awake for good for now." He looked significantly more awake than Jonah felt, that was for sure.  "Love you," he added as Jonah turned away, and Jonah glanced over his shoulder with a grin.

"Love you too. Sure you don't want to come cuddle?"

"Maybe in a little while. I want to see how many likes Kinga's newborn photos got," Max said, and Jonah wasn't sure how joking he was from the smile on his face. "Go on, catch a few more Zs." Jonah didn't need to be told twice. He found Baby in the bassinet when he walked past it to settle next to Kinga on the bed.

"Kinga. Wake up, honey," he murmured, brushing a few loose strands of hair back from her face. 

"Hmm?" She swatted at his hand, then cracked open one eye to look at him. "Oh. All right, princess, come and get it." She piled up the pillows behind herself before taking Katalin in her arms with a mighty yawn that the baby imitated a moment later. "Huh, are yawns contagious to babies too?"

"Looks like it," Jonah said after yawning himself. He watched curiously as Kinga got the baby settled on her breast, and she gave him a sleepy but sardonic look. "What? I'm not allowed to be interested in how breastfeeding works?"

"As long as you're not ogling my mommy boobs."

"I mean, they look great, but that's not the point. The point is Katalin eating."

"You're damn right it is." Jonah huffed a laugh and stretched out next to Kinga and Kat, resting his head against Kinga's hip, and Kinga ran her fingers through his hair gently. "Thanks for bringing her to me."

"Of course. Need anything?"

"Just for you to hold me," she said, and he wrapped an arm around her legs and settled in for an extended cuddle.


	23. 27+29: vampire kiss + sealed with a kiss (Kinga/Donna)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donna has successfully collected quite a menagerie of B-movie monsters. But B-movie vampires do not look like the woman in front of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of Donna, cause I'm love her

She'd been hunting the vampire for a little over a week when Donna found herself face to face with her quarry as she left a Starbucks just after nightfall on October 30th. She almost dropped her latte right onto the vampire's black leather boots in shock.

"Dr. St. Phibes, I presume?" If it wasn't for the way the woman's eyes reflected the light from the coffee shop windows like a cat's, Donna might have thought this was just another monster enthusiast, but between that and the fangs that showed when she smiled at Donna, there was no question about what she was.

"That's me," Donna said. The vampire offered a hand.

"Hi. I'm Kinga."

"Nice to meet you." Kinga's hand was ice cold in Donna's, and Donna wrapped both her hands around her hot latte after shaking it. "Did you know I was looking for you?"

"Oh, yeah. It came to my attention. And my curiosity got the better of me." Kinga gave Donna a long up-and-down look and smirked. Donna was acutely aware of how put together she  _didn't_  look next to the vampire in her mismatched scarf and hat and her monster-fur-coated winter jacket, but she knew better than to react defensively. She glanced behind herself into the Starbucks, wondering if it was slightly more protection to stay with people or if the conversation she needed to have was better done away from any possible eavesdroppers. "Are you busy?"

"I think I could make time for you," Donna said dryly. "Shall we walk?" Kinga's lips tilted up, and she offered her arm to Donna gallantly. They were practically of a height; when Donna looped her arm through Kinga's they looked like a couple of close friends sharing a walk through the park on a chill autumn night. "You've become noticed in this area. Not only by me," Donna said quietly, and Kinga huffed a laugh.

"Yes, that'll tend to happen when I start leaving a trail of corpses."

"It's not the wisest move you could make."

"I disagree, I had a point to make and I am still making it."

"And that point is...?"

"Violent men are basically Capri-Suns to me. Emptied in a moment, crumpled and dumped like the trash they are." Donna's brows shot up over the rims of her glasses, and she shot a sideways glance at Kinga, who was smiling with her fangs out now. "Or didn't you notice the pattern?"

"I did notice that all your victims in this city have been male."

"Did you notice that they've all been convicted of domestic violence, too?"

"That I didn't notice."

"Funny, no one ever seems to notice that." Kinga sighed. "No, of course  _I'm_  the monster. I'm doing a fucking public service here. I'm  _saving_  lives."

"By taking lives."

"Not lives that are worth the oxygen they consume."

"Is it really your place to decide that?"

"Uh, absolutely it is? The criminal justice system obviously isn't doing shit about them."

"So you're a vigilante vampire," Donna said, and took a sip of her latte. 

"Unfortunately, the vampire part seems to disqualify the vigilante part," Kinga said, and she lead Donna over to a park bench and sat down with her knees together and her feet splayed, watching the monster conservationist until she took a seat as well. "So. I've heard about you and what you do."

"And?"

"I'm not of a mind to be collected like a zoo exhibit."

"The monsters I save aren't zoo exhibits," Donna said. "No one comes on the Ark-3 to gawk at them. I study them, yes, but my primary mission is conservation. I want to make sure that every monster under my care is happy and healthy."

"Uh-huh," Kinga said. "And how many of those monsters are capable of rational thought and communication?"

"You'd be surprised by the number."

"And how many of those monsters require blood to survive?"

"Not the same ones, but again, not a small number."

"And how many of those monsters get to flirt with you?"

"I'm sorry?" Donna set her drink down on her knee and fixed Kinga with a look of disbelief. "That's highly inappropriate."

"Oh. In that case, I guess we're done here. Because I'm definitely not coming with you if you won't flirt with me." Kinga went to stand up, and stopped when Donna put a hand on her arm, smirking as she settled.

"I don't flirt with the monsters under my care because none of them are beautiful women," Donna said, "and I'm afraid I have a type."

"What's your type?" Kinga leaned in slightly to hear the answer, and Donna smiled slightly.

"Redheads with anger management issues." 

"You don't say," Kinga purred. "Interesting. I have a type too."

"That being...?"

"Very smart women who don't realize they're gorgeous." Donna flushed, and Kinga's glance dropped to her rosy cheeks. "I will admit that I'm pretty sick of living on this planet."

"Big mood," Donna said. "Would you be interested in coming with me? I just have to get you to promise not to eat me or any of my research assistants."

"Can we clarify the terminology?"

"Pardon?"

"I prefer the word kill to the word eat with restrictions like this. Because I don't hurt people if I just take a taste."

"I'd prefer you not bite any of my research assistants, either."

"I'm less concerned with getting to taste any of your research assistants and more concerned with getting a taste of you, if that's not abundantly clear." Donna's blush darkened, and Kinga licked her lips unconsciously as she toyed with Donna's knit scarf. "I promise it won't hurt."

"It seems like a bad idea," Donna said, and Kinga snorted.

"Yeah, and going onto a spaceship with no prey for me to hunt seems like a bad idea, but I'm still entertaining the thought." Kinga brushed one icy thumb along Donna's carotid and Donna shivered. "Come on, what's one little nibble between friends?"

"Are you planning on being my friend?"

"If I come with you I think we'll become very good friends," Kinga said.

"You're not going to try to dominate my will and turn me into your thrall?" That got a bark of laughter out of Kinga, who shook her head.

"I think you've been getting too much information from books and movies." Donna shrugged-- no kidding-- but she tipped her head away when Kinga leaned in closer, baring the side of her neck between her unruly curls and the soft, heavy knit of her scarf. "You don't have to let me do it if you really don't want to."

"I think I do want you to, and that's the problem," Donna breathed. Kinga pressed her smirking lips to the warmth of Donna's throat, and took her soft shaky sigh as permission to bite. 

Donna's latte fell to the ground from her nerveless fingers the instant Kinga's fangs broke skin, splattering over Kinga's boots and Donna's sneakers, and a moment later Kinga licked at the tiny wounds she'd made and sat back with a supremely satisfied look on her face. Donna stared at her with wide eyes, one hand coming up to touch fingertips to where the vampire had kissed her.

"I'm sorry about your drink," Kinga said. "Want me to get you another one?"

"N-no," Donna said. "I only got it so I could stay up tonight looking for you."

"Well, you found me."

"No,  _you_  found  _me_."

"Either way. We're together now." There was a weight to Kinga's words that Donna distantly thought she should register a protest against... but she didn't really want to, so instead of objecting, she took Kinga's icy hand between both her own warm ones and smiled at her.


	24. 28: kissing a frog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. F's evil fairy tales book has left several impressions on his daughter that Max gets to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be reposted separately so I can fit it into Mistakes, but I wanted to keep all the smooches together.

" _Another_  frog?" Max said in dismay.

"Yes! Keep catching them. One of them has to be right," Kinga said, putting the last frog into a bucket with the other three Max had caught for her. Her wide-brimmed sun hat kept most of her fair skin covered, and he had made sure to slather them both in sunscreen before they left Deep 13 for the morning to go play by the creek running past the Gizmonic campus. They'd been out there for nearly two hours, and four frogs in a bucket was all they had to show for it.

"Right for what?"

"Cursed! One of them has to be a cursed prince. And then I can marry him and he'll help me take over the world." Max stopped and stared at Kinga.

"Have you been  _kissing_  these frogs?"

"Duh. Why else would I be having you catch them?"

"I don't know, because you're a twisted little kid with evil plans?"

"I am, but that's not the number one reason."

"Kinga, you can't kiss frogs, they're dirty and full of germs."

"So are boys, according to Daddy."

"...he's not wrong."

"So what does it matter? I'm not gonna get frog pox... am I?"

"I don't think frog pox is a thing. But what if you kiss a cursed frog and instead of turning him into a prince, he turns you into a frog too?" Kinga's eyes widened and then narrowed.

"I think you're making that up."

"I think that frog princes are made up anyways. Come on, Kinga, you know those stories your dad tells you aren't real, right?" She folded her arms and stamped her foot in a clear warning sign of impending tantrum, and Max did some quick calculations before picking her up and spinning them both around until she screeched with laughter in his ear. "You don't need a prince to be a princess. You just need your dad to hurry up and rule the world already," he said as he set her back down, and she wrinkled her nose.

"I guess... I still think I'm just gonna have to rule it myself though," she said. "Cause Daddy's... not very good at doing things right, is he?"

"Your dad tries his best," Max said diplomatically. "And that's really all any of us can do."

"I think my best will be better than his best."

"I think you're probably right."

"Max... can I turn people I don't like into frogs when I'm an adult?"

"Only if you spend a lot of time on research and development, and pass all your classes at Gizmonics, and maybe make friends with a witch who can do it for you."

"Why can't I be a witch?"

"Because you're going to be a mad scientist, right? You can't be both."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's a lot of work to become either one of them, and you are a lazy little lump," he said, and tickled her sides. She shrieked and ran away from him, knocking over the bucket and freeing the frogs they'd captured, and Max shook his head and righted the bucket again. "Are you done kissing frogs for now? I think we have to go put on more sunscreen if we're staying out," he called after her, and she stopped running and walked back with a sulky expression.

"I guess we're done here," she said, and took the bucket from him. "And I don't even get any frogs to dissect. That's dumb."

"Oh, you're definitely not dissecting frogs for at least another six years," Max said in horror. "You're not allowed to touch a scalpel. Wow, that's a terrifying thought. Yeah, absolutely not." They headed back towards Deep 13, Kinga swinging the bucket at her side.

"Daddy would let me."

"He most certainly wouldn't."

"He would if I asked him."

"Go ahead and ask him, then. But don't cry about it when I'm right."

"You're not  _always_  right."

"When am I wrong?"

"Uhh..." 

"Let me know when you come up with an example," he said dryly, but she couldn't think of anything before they made it home and he herded her into the bathroom to scrub her hands and, after a moment's thought, her face.


	25. 30+31: kiss of life + kiss of death (Clayton/Frank, explicit)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going from dead to aware of his own body is always an experience, but Frank's never become aware of his own body while it was being taken advantage of by his weirdo boss who likes to kill him and bring him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: temporary necrophilia? Frank doesn't stay dead, but he's definitely dead for parts of it.

When Frank comes to after death number thirty-one, his eyes open to find his face pressed into a pillow. Going from dead to aware of his own body is always an experience, but he's never become aware of his own body while it was being taken advantage of by his weirdo boss who likes to kill him and bring him back. Frank lifts his head up, feeling weak and overwhelmed like he feels every time he comes back, and before he can even say anything Clayton gasps and spills into him and stutters into stillness pressed along Frank's back.

"That's new," Frank says. It's not like they haven't messed around in the past, but getting fucked while he's still dead seems like a different ballpark.

"I brought you back," Clayton breathes against the nape of his neck, and Frank can't figure out if the sex is a proximal cause of the resurrection or the price he's expected to pay for it. He puts a hand up to tangle in Clayton's flyaway hair and gets a kiss at his hairline.

By the third time Frank revives in the middle of being taken, Clayton stops coming as soon as Frank wakes up. That's when Frank figures out that it's not a price he's paying.

"I brought you back..." Frank's hips are in the air and Clayton's hand is between his legs, gently caressing a bit of anatomy that's determined to show that he's alive again as soon as he realizes that he is. "I did. And only I could."

"You're the only one that can kill me in the first place," Frank points out, stretching his arms out before rearranging himself into a more comfortable pose. He didn't have time to complain the first two times this happened, but he doesn't really want to complain about it now. Clayton's chemical-scarred hand wraps firmly around Frank's cock and strokes, pulling a shaky sound of pleasure from Frank's throat.

"Just because I'm the only one who does doesn't mean I'm the only one who can," Clayton says scornfully. "Killing you is not a hard thing to do. It's the un-killing that's the hard part."

"You don't have to tell me your hard parts when I'm experiencing them directly," Frank says with a cheeky shift of his hips, and Clayton snorts and pinches him.

"You could show a little gratitude."

"I think the part where you kill me first means I don't have to."

"Rude! I could just leave you dead." Frank isn't positive that's an empty threat. He's pretty sure Clayton is too lazy to train another second banana, but he's also petty and spiteful and proud. 

"You'd miss me too much," he says, betting on it being true, and from the breathy laugh behind him he thinks he hit his mark. 

"You are uncommonly satisfying to kill. It'd be a shame to deprive myself of the pleasure of it." Okay, weird, but when isn't Clayton weird? A fingertip strokes that one perfect spot just under the head of Frank's cock and he presses his face into the pillow to stifle his whimper. "Oh, don't do that."

"Do what?" Frank mumbles into the pillow, and he gets a sharp tug on his hair to pull his head back. 

"Don't try to make it so I can't hear you. This is much better when you're participating." 

"Then why do you keep starting when I can't participate?" Frank bites his lip as soon as the words escape him, expecting a swift and painful reprisal. What he gets is a caress of his hip and a couple of energetic thrusts into him.

"Science," Clayton says, and Frank's willing to leave it at that if it means he can avoid one of Clayton's rambling and quasi-meaningless rants about mad science. He doesn't care how it works, as long as it works, and oh man, is this ever working for him. He's glad he came to in time to enjoy it, this time around. Clayton may be a petty little dictator of a mad scientist, but he's also surprisingly good in bed when he expends the effort to be.

"Oh god," Frank sighs.

"Yes?" One deft twist of Clayton's hand takes Frank over the brink and leaves him feeling twice as weak and boneless as Clayton's hips snap into him a few more times before he comes too. Frank's single thought that he shouldn't let Clayton get away with his god complex pops like a bubble as the lankier man wraps himself around Frank and nuzzles the back of his neck.

The next time is different. The next time, Frank knows what's going to happen, because this time when he dies, it's while he's being fucked, with Clayton's long fingers wrapped around his throat and with Clayton's mustache tickling his lips as he's kissed and throttled until everything fades into a starry nothingness. When his eyes open again the only thing that's different is that now Clayton's hands are on his face instead of his throat. All he can see are dark, crazy, intense eyes right in front of his own, which go half-lidded in satisfaction as soon as Frank's gaze focuses. 

"I brought you back," Clayton whispers, and kisses Frank hard. Frank whimpers into his mouth and comes instantly, every nerve coming alive at once simply too much for him to bear, and Clayton makes a sound that's equal parts growl and laugh and pounds into Frank before he finds his release a scant few breaths after him. He sags on top of Frank and they cling to each other until they've both caught their breath, which takes longer for Frank, given that he'd been deprived of it for a while. 

This is so fucked up, Frank thinks but doesn't say. You're fucking me back to life, he also doesn't say. What he does say is, "You're taking my life and giving it back to me," and then he kisses Clayton because, yes, it's super fucked up, but it's also... kind of romantic in a way that suits their weird dynamic better than any confession of love. It's all right for Frank's life to be in Clayton's hands. After all, he'd miss him too much to let him stay dead.


End file.
